7 Tricks to Break Up

There are several common breakup tricks. Dodging/withdrawing involves avoiding communication and interaction. Being positive/blame oneself aims to minimize the partner's hurt. Confessional confrontation is an open and honest approach. Increasing the cost makes the relationship stressful. Manipulation includes using third parties. Distancing/mediating uses digital means. Procrastination delays the breakup. Attachment type influences the choice of breakup strategy, and mishandling can cause self-doubt, but an unsuitable partner may not be the right one.

All relationships should have an outcome. Whether you enter into a marriage, stay together without entering into a marriage, or separate, those are the "outcomes" of the relationship.

I don't know about your opinions, but at least for me right now, I totally respect the other person's desire to end the relationship. If the other person doesn't want to continue, there's no point in dragging the relationship out.

If one side wants to break up, then being open and honest about it is the best way to end it, in my opinion. Even if the relationship is going to cease to exist, it deserves an open and honest ending. "Results" is the most basic respect we can give them.

But there are some exes who can't even do a proper breakup or a proper farewell.

The breakup strategies questionnaire by Baxter et al. summarises seven breakup strategies that people may use.

I actually saw one of my exes while reading this questionnaire, who not only used one of these infuriating breakup strategies, but stacked them and used more than one (coupons can't even be stacked, okay?). The seven strategies were:

Breakup Trick No. 1 Dodging/Withdrawing

"Sorry, the subscriber you dialled is switched off."

People who use this breakup trick, when they are trying to end a relationship (sometimes without even realising that they want to end it), will talk less about personal activities and events of interest in their conversations with their partner.

They will shorten the amount of time they spend communicating with their partner and try to keep it at a superficial, estranged level. They also stop being interested in their partner's personal life and even avoid meeting their partner.

In short, they begin to avoid their partner, as if they are withdrawing from their partner the part of themselves that penetrates into each other's lives, but also little by little in the removal of the part of the other person into their own lives, as if the two people are like washing in a clean water without any "impurities" from the other side, so they naturally break up.

Breakup Trick No.2 Being Positive/Blame Yourself

"Breaking up is good for both of us."

They look guilty. They're planning to end the relationship, but it seems better for you --- they've put in every effort to keep you from getting hurt in the breakup.

They'll emphasise what you've gained from the relationship and what was "worth it". Then they make sure you're in a good mood before they demand breakup with you because they believe it will hurt you the least.

They will also convince you that breaking up is good for both of you, even if it's your fault they won't blame you, they will only blame themselves for the breakup; they are even willing to be the "sinner" in order to prevent the breakup from becoming a traumatic experience for both of you.

Breakup Trick No.3 Confessional Confrontation

"I think we should break up for the following four (or however many) reasons."

They will be very honest with their partner about the breakup. Bring it up face to face, openly and honestly, stating clearly that they want to break up. When asked for a reason, most of them can give a clear answer and get the title of "good and clean ex".

Breakup Trick No.4 Increase the Cost

If you don't leave voluntarily, he makes you so tired that you have to leave.

The aggravated cost is the cost of the mental energy you consumed in the relationship.

They will take the initiative to pick on you, pick fights with you, and then let it turn into an opportunity for you to break up. They will start to get upset with you and even become overbearing or mean in front of you, making this relationship a stressful one for you.

Then they may suggest to you that "you've changed", "I've changed", "we've changed", or "the world changes", "the only thing that does not change is changes" (huh?). Anyway, in the end, it's possible that you're the one who can't take it and demand breakup first.

Love is war, my friend, love is war.

Breakup Trick No.5 Manipulation

So aggrieved, because you are the last one to know that your partner wants to break up with you.

They will want to disclose the idea of breaking up with you to the people who know you, "accidentally" "leak" the intention to break up in front of your friends, or even directly ask a third party to tell you. You'll be the last to hear about the breakup.

Or they may contact other potential romantic partners so you know they don't want to be with you anymore, or they may even introduce you to a new romantic partner and pack you up to send you away. No, this isn't an ex anymore, it's probably the matchmaker of the year.

Breakup Trick No.6 Distancing/Mediating

"An email has been received in your inbox, your girlfriend has applied to break up with you."

Have you ever heard of such people, who have not yet officially broken up with their partners, but changed their social network status to "single" or "divorced", or even directly changed to "widowed".

They will never break up with their partner face-to-face. Sometimes you may know that you have been broken up with from their Weibo or Moments. Even if they have the courage to demand breakup with their partner, they will choose to send instant messages, messages, or even work emails.

Want to ask them why they want to break up? No way, because you have been removed from their contact software.

Breakup Trick No.7 Procrastination

"We're just taking a break from each other for a while to cool off."

People who use this type of breakup strategy will never demand breakup with you on a busy working day. They will wait and wait, as if they are waiting for a "good time". But while they delay the breakup, they also have a fluke expectation that things will get better.

They also avoid talking about the "breakup" itself, and blame your "separation" on other things, such as further education, job-hopping, etc. If they have to face the breakup head-on, they will tell you that it's just "temporary" and "we need to take some time apart to cool off".

Sorry, I can't calm down. I can't calm down in the face of you, the master of procrastination.

In fact, which kind of breakup strategy a person will use can actually be glimpsed in their usual style of dealing with intimacy issues.

This is because the type of breakup strategy that will be used is related to the type of attachment that each person falls into. In 1978, psychologist Ainsworth identified and raised three types of infant attachment to parents: secure, anxious-ambivalent and avoidant.

Ainsworth also believes that attachment type affects the way children deal with problems. Secure children are likely to seek help from their parents and have more courage to face problems; anxious-ambivalent children tend to cry; and avoidant children seem "stubborn" and won't seek help from their parents even if they are afraid.

Attachment type continues to influence how people deal with intimate relationship issues when they grow up. Collins et al. showed in a 2012 study that attachment type did influence individuals' choice of breakup strategy when ending a relationship with a partner.

Individuals with avoidant attachment are more likely to use less direct breakup strategies, such as avoidance; they are also more likely to refrain from using strategies that are still possible to be rekindled afterwards, such as positive tone/self-blame.

Anxious-ambivalent attachment people are more likely to use strategies that meet their needs, such as positive tone/self-blame, and procrastination/problem avoidance. Using these strategies leaves space for them to get back together with their old love; people who choose these strategies usually also have thoughts about maintaining a good relationship with their ex.

I've heard a lot of people complain about their haunting breakup experiences.

"Is it so hard to break up with me straight up?"

"Do you hate me that much that you don't even want to see me when we are about to break up?"

"Was I really a bad lover?"

In an event like a breakup, which is always accompanied by heartache, the mishandling of the one who demand breakup can too easily lead to self-doubt on the part of the one being broken up with.

After all, being denied by a lover is like being denied by love as a whole.

But sometimes, when they use these strategies to treat us, they are not denying us. They have their own needs to take care of, they have their own anxieties to fill, and this prevents them from making appropriate judgements, or from being able to make appropriate judgements.

The fact that they are using breakup strategies that you can't accept also in a sense means that they aren't really the right one for you. Unsuitable lovers are like a self-awareness guidebook full of fallacies; don't let it lead you in the wrong direction.

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