A while ago a friend complained to me due to a breakup, I thought it was because she was dumped, but later learnt that she initiated the breakup herself.
"But I didn't want to break up! I was just angry when I said that." She added: "Every time I mentioned breaking up with him before, he would come to retain me, why did he change this time?"
Mentioning a breakup just to try to be retained is a big risk to take.
It may be true that the first few times you mention a breakup you can get the other person's retention and reluctance, but continually blackmailing the other person with a breakup is likely to eventually lead to the other person getting tired of being threatened and thinking that, since you want to break up so badly, let's do it ......
I. Why Do Some People Always Threaten to Break Up?
In fact, the reason behind threatening to break up is often not dissatisfaction with your partner, but rather a lack of confidence in yourself.
In the well-known attachment theory, there is a dimension of attachment characteristics known as attachment anxiety:
Individuals with high attachment anxiety lack self-confidence in intimate relationships, believe they are unworthy of being loved, and are so insecure that they fear separation so much that what they fear is often a figment of their own imagination.
In addition, they often lash out at their partners for this reason, using excessive emotional responses to gain their partner's attention and love (Bowlby, 1982).
Apart from relying on their partner to take care of them when they feel stressed, they also rely on the promises made by their partner and rely on such promises to build a sense of security.
For example, during a quarrel between two people, the high anxiety partner often waits anxiously for the other person to apologise and retain, which is what makes them feel valued.
II. Is Attachment Anxiety Really "Hopeless"?
When it comes to attachment characteristics, we usually think of them as a stable trait, or even as a label attached to people: you're avoidant, I'm anxious, and we often try to explore what kind of traits are characteristic of people with different attachment types.
In reality, however, attachment characteristics are not stable and unchanging in everyone, and new relational experiences continually update our perceptions of ourselves and others, which in turn affects an individual's position on different attachment dimensions (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016).
Often we believe that the best way to alleviate attachment anxiety is to give love and support and create a safe harbour for it. That is what is often said: one is insecurely attached, so just find a securely attached person to be in a relationship with~
However, recent studies have found such a paradox:
While it is true that gaining dependence and commitment from a partner for a short period of time can alleviate an individual's level of anxiety in the moment, in the long run, it rather reinforces attachment anxiety (Arriaga et al., 2014).
This implies that secure dependence and stable commitment are not a cure-all, but rather a "drug" that can provide short-term relief from anxiety, but can lead to greater dependence.
When attachment-anxious people threaten to break up, the partner's retention and attention are immediately effective in relieving anxiety, making the attachment-anxious person feel loved, but at the same time deepening their "addiction", which may be used more often in the future to gain the partner's attention.
One day, if your partner gets tired and stops trying to retain you, the attachment-anxious person may face a breakdown.
III. What Exactly Can We Improve Attachment Anxiety Levels?
Some orphans, or children who were abandoned by their parents at an early age, act excessively rebellious when they are sent to a new foster home. They are constantly testing their foster parents: are you going to abandon me too?
Similarly, the real voice behind these behaviours of blaming the other person in a relationship, having a breakup, and abusing themselves ...... is: to see if he or she really loves me.
Attachment-anxious people are always dubious about whether they deserve to be loved, and this is the root of the problem.
Therefore, if you want to alleviate attachment anxiety in intimate relationships in the long term, the best way is not to get attention from your partner, but to unchain overdependence on your partner and enhance your sense of self-worth (Arriaga et al., 2017).
IV. What Can a Person with High Attachment Anxiety Do?
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Only You Can Resolve Your Emotions
The best time to relieve attachment anxiety is never when there is a conflict, but in ordinary life.
If it used to be that you had to call the other person 10 times a day to feel secure, then please set a small goal now to reduce it to 5 times a day, and then to 2 or 1 ...... When you have the urge to look for the other person, try listening to a song, going for a walk, reading a book, or finding friends to go to play with.
Here is not to say that you can't look for your lover for comfort at all, but in every time when you want to stick to your partner just because you're in a bad mood or feeling anxious, you actually sacrifice the opportunity for self-growth.
If these have become the only way to maintain a sense of security, or even a form of bondage, then you need to free yourself from this bondage and remind yourself:
"He or she is not the only person who can fix my emotions, but I am."
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Cultivate Your Goals and Rebuild Your Self-confidence
Find a hobby or job that you can do independently of your partner, set reasonable goals for yourself, and work hard for them. Hobbies don't have to be what you are skilled at, but they are meant to immerse you in them, and in the process, you will experience the joy of growing independently, and improve your sense of self-efficacy and confidence.
The value of each person is determined by him or herself, not based on the partner's evaluation and attention.
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Don't Jump to Conclusions During a Conflict
Try to be aware of your own emotions after every quarrel or conflict, and try not to make any decisions or conclusions when you are in an emotional state, as what people say when they are in a heated mood is usually biased:
"Since you don't love me anymore, let's break up."
"You don't care about me at all, all you care about is yourself!"
......
These conclusions that are often drawn during a quarrel are often found to be not at all what one really means when one calms down, but the consequences are hard to manage. So try to make decisions and conclusions two days after the quarrel.
V. What Can You Do as a Partner of a Person with High Attachment Anxiety?
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Provide Support and Commitment at the Right Time
If your partner is a high-attachment anxious person, then what you have to do is not to retain and affirm him when he makes a breakup, but to affirm him or her in the usual interactions, help him or her to build up self-confidence, and encourage him or her to independently complete his or her personal goals.
Many times, people will meet the unreasonable requirements of the other person in order to alleviate the intense emotions of the partner for the time being, blindly accepting the other person's emotions, which often worsens the other person's attachment anxiety, but also planted a bomb in their own patience, one day it will not be able to withstand.
Therefore, when the other person's emotions are too intense, learn to appropriately reject his or her unreasonable dependence, and rationally affirm, rather than blindly accept.
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True Expression of One's Own Feelings
When the other side proposed to break up again, if you know that his or her real idea is not breaking up, but want to get your love and affirmation, then you need to put your real feelings to tell the other side: "That I am willing to retain the relationship does not mean that I affirm what you do, and randomly mentioning breakup will also make me feel hurtful."
Your confession may cause momentary pressure on the other person, but in the long run, it can help the other person to think about his or her behavioural patterns and make appropriate adjustments.
Relieving attachment anxiety is a long process, and the journey may be safer with a partner, but every person with high attachment anxiety will ultimately have to rely on their own strength to heal themselves.
I would like to share with you a quote from the Biography of Wittgenstein:
I myself have only very little courage, much less than you.
But I have found that whenever I have summoned up the courage to do something after a long struggle,
I always feel much freer and happier afterwards.
I hope that everyone with high attachment anxiety will find the courage to face their anxiety and insecurity after a struggle, and then perhaps you will feel much freer and happier.
