When some people talk about their original families, there are always others who say, "It is not easy for parents because they have the limitations of their times", "They have good points too", and try to use these words to comfort, pacify, or counteract the person who talks about his/her original family.The subtext seems to be: to talk about one's original family is to put the blame on others, or to be "heartless and ungrateful"; it seems that only one side, namely between "talking about original family" and "understanding parents' difficulties", can reasonably exist. That is to say, "if one understands the difficulties of parents, then one does not need to talk about one's own painful experiences and negative feelings in the original family". People who prevent talking about their original family may do so out of a defence of filial piety, but it usually has a huge impact.
If the reader feels that "everything is right with the person who gave life," please don't read on. There is no argument here about morality. Emotions and relationships require mutual trust and respect, support for autonomy and independence, simply liking each other, giving time to be together and communicating, and so on, without strict moral constraints. Morality can limit behaviour but is less suited to nurturing relationships.
I. What's the Meaning of Giving Yourself Permission to Talk About Your Original Family?
Talking about one's original family and telling one's feelings is a precious experience for the person concerned. In reviewing the experience and talking about the feelings, memories that are unique to oneself, that belong only to one's mind, that have never been allowed to exist, are heard and understood. When the feelings are accepted, there is also a whole person who also feels accepted, which in turn integrates the negative and positive feelings.
The process of talking about it is also often accompanied by feelings that the person has, such as, anger, self-blame, guilt, obsession and self-attack. Feelings of anger towards parents can make themselves and others feel ungrateful. However, it is realistic and more objectively true that everyone may have a rich variety of different feelings about one thing. Negative feelings are just feelings which arise naturally in the mind and are expressed through words, so why should they be judged on a moral level?
Many of the children who confide in anger used to be very selfless and cared for their parents like babies. Allowing themselves to express their feelings about their original family came with a lot of effort. They've tried to repress it, forget it and forgive it, but repressed feelings can fester further and affect their emotional relationships, their ability to enjoy life, and so on. They are also at risk of punishing themselves, being angry with themselves, and not allowing themselves any pleasant feelings because they didn't repress their feelings about their parents completely. Humiliating these distressed children, denying and ignoring their pain, will undoubtedly add to their self-blame and cause the courage they have finally begun to deal with their wounds to fade again.
II. Parents Have All Kinds of Difficulties and Limitations, Some of Which Are Beyond Their Control:
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Parents live in an era when they have poor education, poverty and material scarcity and over-emphasis on the importance of material to upbringing, thinking that "It's all they can do to afford to feed you and go to school". They denied that children need to be emotionally connected in order to build an emotional bond and to "really enjoy spending time together";
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The treatment they receive in their original families, such as violence and neglect, limits the empathy and patience they can offer their children;
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The unequal treatment and demands placed on women by traditional cultures and the pressure on women to be both daughters-in-law and mothers;
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Parental depression or loss of mourning and inability to connect emotionally, or love for the living child and guilt for the deceased child, and thus distance themselves from the living child;
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Sometimes the parent remains in the child's state of mind and needs the child to fulfil the parental role, so the child becomes self-sufficient too early and provides the parent with marital mediation, emotional support, emotional control and so on.
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Traits and personality disorders, such as narcissistic personality and borderline personality.
I believe that most parents try to give their children the best they can and love them in their own way, but the above factors do affect some of their children's childhood experiences, both pleasant and unpleasant, and even painful. The individual child's experience needs to be respected as well.
III. If the Person Who Hurts Me is Having a Hard Time, Where Am I Going to Put My Anger?
When it hurts, it's important to have plenty of time to feel and accept it and deal with it at your own pace. Despite all the out-of-control reasons and justifications you have for hurting people, a hurt is a hurt, and when it hurts, it hurts. And when it hurts, it needs to be seen and cared for by yourself and those close to you, and it needs to take ownership of what you want to do with the wounds on your body. Will you reconcile or will you leave? The decision of when to reconcile needs to be made on your own. This process will be iterative and will last for a short time, and this should be respected. Deciding this process for yourself is also the process of taking care of your self.
No matter who it is that has hurt someone else, understanding and acknowledging the impact you have had on others is very healing for the person who has been hurt; it also requires slowly dealing with your own guilt. The person who has hurt others has also experienced being hurt and needs to deal with his or her own wounds as well. The wounds on yourself may be an indirect cause of the wounds of others; however, keeping your own wounds does not heal the grief of others. By facing up to what you have done, accepting the feelings of the person who has been wounded, genuinely getting to know the person you have wounded, and apologising sincerely, rebuilding the relationship can happen.
Even though expressing any negative feelings towards parents is not quite in line with the rigours of filial piety, there are times when true reconciliation makes it easier to achieve true intimacy in the parent-child relationship.
When Someone Is Expressing Their Feelings, There Are a Few Suggestions:
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Firstly, listening is really so important. The person speaking will feel accepted and respected, and will be willing to communicate further.
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You may feel the urge to explain, but try to listen first and let the grieving person have the opportunity to express themselves fully. Explaining is making the other person understand your position, and the other person needs you to understand his or her position at that moment.
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Even though you may be thinking, "I fed you and put you through school, and I made a mistake?" The reason your child is talking to you is that he or she is also trying to repair the relationship, even though the words may not be pleasing to the ear. If parents constantly say, "You have no right to ask for love from me," the other person will really stop trying after several disappointments.
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When someone expresses dissatisfaction with you, you may be angry. It is advisable to think about why you are angry afterwards, rather than striking back directly in a mood of anger.
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Try to put yourself in your child's shoes. If you don't feel the pain that your child is talking about, try to understand that "even though I won't be touched by something, someone else may suffer for a long time because of it." Put your own point of view aside for a moment and try to put yourself in someone else's shoes. If you can't, it also helps to think about why it's so hard for you.
