I still remember that when we were in the first grade of primary school, there was a class called "Speech", and the young female teacher made a remark in the class that is still fresh in my mind, she said, "Some of you may be wondering --- I'm already seven years old, can't I make a speech yet? This class is all about teaching you how to get better at 'speaking' and then getting on with each other and bonding."
I vaguely remember that the class covered things like how to introduce yourself completely, how to be caring and considerate of others, how to speak without hurting other children, and so on.
Learning to talk, to ask questions, and to chat is actually a lifelong lesson.
"Troubled Families" Produce "Troubled Children"
"Where did you gather together? What did you eat? How much did it cost? How much per person? Is the place far away?......"
Xiao A attended a classmate party. After arriving home, she encountered a flurry of parents' sudden and overwhelming "care". She was very irritable, wanted to answer but did not know from which question to start. When she opened her mouth, she found that her parents actually do not have much interest in listening. The topic changed again.
"It's like this every time!" Xiao A thought in grievance --- you will just ask all kinds of questions in a row, but do you really care about me or not?
If saying that her parents didn't care about her, she felt that she had wronged them. How could they ask her so many questions if they didn't care?
But if saying that her parents cared about her, her feelings were the most real and she couldn't deceive herself--
Yes, since childhood, Xiao A has not felt that her parents really cared about her. Every time they are just like a reporter at a press conference, throwing out a variety of questions.
And how do you really feel? WHO CARES?
What's more tragic is that Xiao A found herself in a situation where she had a boyfriend and the way she cares for her boyfriend is much like the way her parents care for her!
When her boyfriend comes back from a party, she wants so badly to know what happened at the party, and then the déjà vu barrage of questions that once bored her to death always come out of her mouth naturally:
"Where did you gather together? What did you eat? How much did it cost? Who paid for it? Or did you go Dutch?......"
Xiao A is undoubtedly sensitive. She can detect that her boyfriend is a bit annoyed, but she feels so aggrieved because she really wants to know. But after her boyfriend tells her, she still feels empty inside, and she feels so far away from him.
Is It Better to Ask Questions Endlessly to Show Concern?
From this case, I can sense that
Xiao A's parents were eager to know their child in every detail, but how? And what?
Is asking questions about their children the best way to get to know them?
Obviously, Xiao A's parents are more interested in "catching" Xiao A on a transactional level than on a feeling and emotional level.
When their child goes to a party, they bombard the atmosphere with questions about the event, making those involved feel like they are being swallowed up. Moreover, many Chinese parents' concern for their children belongs to a kind of worry ---
Is the food outside clean?
Are the people you eat with reliable?
Is food expensive? Have you been ripped off by the restaurant owner?
Behind the worry is distrust, i.e. I don't believe you can do it on your own.
It is lamentable that it is difficult to impart to people what they have not experienced.
Xiao A's parents belonged to the early 1960s. The special background of the times created their special temperament, coupled with the family's way of raising, so they have no other way of expressing their care and concern for others than only to catch, ask, stare. They are not quite sure what the hell is feeling, because no one has ever cared about their feelings either.
To give to the next generation what one has not felt is like asking beggars to hand over mountains of gold to their children, which is really too difficult too.
Caring for Those Around You Starts with Emotions
--- Are You Happy Today?
If you want to express your care and greetings, how can you ask?
For example, if you are Xiao A's parents, when you see your daughter coming home from a class reunion, you can approach her from an emotional level:
"How did you feel at the party today?"
"Did you have fun today?"
"Is there anything fun you want to share with us?"
I think that when Xiao A is often "asked" like this in the family, she will feel that her parents really care about her and her feelings, not just asking her questions, and then the door to communication will naturally open. She will be very willing to take the initiative to share her day. The family does not simply share one roof, but a real "together" feeling.
Similarly, if you are Xiao A and want to express your concern for your boyfriend, you can also try to ask:
"Did you have a good time at the party today?"
"What interesting things did you talk about?"
"I'm happy for you to see you so happy at the party."
See now if your boyfriend is still annoyed at you? He has to chase after you to talk with him.
By including too many questioning sentences in one sentence, you're already transferring anxiety that's about to overflow, so at least learn to break sentences first, and then try to start with the emotional sentiment to make the other person feel you.
There is nothing wrong with asking questions and caring, but if you do it in the way that Xiao A's parents did to her and she herself did to her boyfriend. Then it's like throwing darts, one after the other, and if you're not careful, you may poke someone.
Also, listening is always more important than asking questions.
Are you really interested in your parents, your children, your partner, your friends? Then ask less, listen more, feel the other person, listen to the other person's needs and desires, and avoid making the conversation like a courtroom question.
