Have you gone through or are you going through a relationship like this?
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You like him or her, but you're not a couple. The other person always responds to you and hangs out with you, but never advances the relationship and avoids all behaviour that might imply commitment;
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You've invested more time, energy, and emotion into this ambiguous relationship than you've ever imagined.
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When you try to distance yourself from the other person and bring the relationship back to a place where you feel comfortable, the other person will reach out to you again, giving you some hope and pulling you back to him or her.
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But after that, the other person will return to the original kind of "ambiguously chat with each other but never forward the relationship" stage.
If you have been or are now in such a ghost-hit-the-wall stage and feel heart-broken, then you may have met a person who likes to take the initiative to be ambiguous.
What Is Active Ambiguity?
Ambiguous relationship refers to the ambiguous attitude and unclear relationship between two people, whose relationships are usually between friends and couples without commitment.
Compared to what people often talk about "not active, no reject, not responsible" type of ambiguous relationship, active ambiguity is more hidden and also more lethal.
In general, one side responds positively and takes the initiative to show goodwill, which is usually interpreted as a sign of good feelings and the desire to develop a close relationship.
But the person being flirted with may only really realise what's going on after going through several cycles of intimacy:
He or she doesn't like you, but he or she likes being liked by you.
Why Choose Active Ambiguity?
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Fear of Uncertainty
They hold uncertainty and uneasiness about themselves. Everyone needs a certain sense of control, but life is full of uncertainty, and intimate relationships are not always safe and controllable.
In order to overcome this uncontrollability and avoid getting hurt, the person who takes the initiative to be ambiguous chooses to control the direction of the intimate relationship in this way.
There is also another group of people who, because they have difficulty controlling other aspects of their lives, use active ambiguity to gain a sense of control from their intimate relationships.
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Need of Attachment
The person who takes the initiative to be ambiguous has a great deal of need for love and companionship, so they engage in behaviours that appear to others to be "mind-hacking":
"They are only willing to exchange the least cost for the most intimacy, but are not willing to make a real effort and refuse to take the risk of real intimacy."
And the demands of the ambiguous side in the relationship are also partially satisfied, perhaps with a sense of advantage from being coveted, or perhaps with a temporary sense of security in the ambiguous relationship.
However, the uneasiness is always there, and the anxiety about advancing the relationship will make the ambiguous side keep making concessions and even sacrifices in the relationship, gradually becoming obsessed with the other person and losing control of himself.
A lyric from Eason Chan's "Red Rose" perfectly describes this kind of active ambiguous relationship:
Those you can't get are always in commotion, those who are favoured are emboldened.
The active ambiguous person is like the one who knows the rules better in a game and chooses the opponent who is most likely to bring them satisfaction.
There may be moments when the active ambiguous person really wants to enter into an intimate relationship, but more often than not, they just want to enjoy the inner satisfaction of being liked and in control.
But intimacy is never a one-person game, and no one is always in control. Besides, there is more to life than just this game.
Both sides still have their own life trajectory. We eventually have to face our "true selves", which may be hurt, to complete self-growth.
How to Jump Out of the Closed Circle of Active Ambiguity?
For the active ambiguous person:
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Perhaps at this stage you are extremely unsure of yourself and hold a lot of insecurities about your relationships, and that's okay.
Give yourself some attention and do some more self-exploration in terms of intimacy, and maybe one day in the future you'll realise that the way you were playing the game originally was a bit cruel to other players, and you'll be able to find the relationship you really want.
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Controlling the behaviour of others in the relationship can not eliminate your insecurity, and you may end up in the vicious circle of "the more you fear losing control, the more you want to control";
To the person being ambiguous with:
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If you clearly realise that the other person is not willing to move forward with the relationship at this stage (no matter how much hope they have given you), and you are too emotionally invested in the relationship to pull yourself out of it, then removing the other person from your life may be a necessary choice.
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Making decisions is often difficult, try to give yourself permission to have repeated emotional lows, depression and anger. It's never too late to make a decision with your destiny in hand.
There's a quote from A Guide to Traveling in the Jungle of Meaning:
What is a rose?
The head that grows in order to be beheaded.
