Today, we are going to talk about a several-year-long story of "acquaintance sexual assault".
Acquaintance sexual assault generally refers to being harassed or raped by acquaintances. The so-called acquaintances include their own friends, relatives, and even biological parents. In 2008, Austria had a shocking case of "acquaintance sexual assault" where a man imprisoned his 18-year-old daughter in the basement for 24 years, during which period, he continuously had sexual assault on her, and even gave birth to seven children.
This story is extreme and seems far away from us. But in the lives of ordinary people, acquaintance sexual assault is not uncommon, except that it often looks the other way.
The following story we're going to tell today could be happening around you too. It's not a pleasant story.
The perpetrator's name is Michael Murphy, who has a friend called Helen, whose daughter is Isla. Below, they each tell the experience from their own perspective.
Let's start with the ending. In February of this year, Michael Murphy was sentenced to 16 years in prison for child sexual abuse.
Isla, 45
He was a friend of my dad's and we always called him "Uncle Mike". He was already an old friend of my family before my sister and I were born.
He had a lot of hobbies: he claimed to be a tour manager for a company called Soft Cell, and he could get us concert tickets, badges and commemorative T-shirts, as well as pocket money.
His ex-wife never lets him see his daughter, which he says is because she's too harsh and difficult to get along with. He used this point to make my parents feel sympathetic towards him, and then to integrate into our lives more smoothly --- if one has to create a template for "how to charm your way into someone else's life", Michael Murphy has made the perfect one! He won all the sympathy of my parents, spent a lot of time with my family, and often gave gifts of all kinds. At one point, my mother called him one of our favourite uncles.
As for his assaults on us, they all happened in my house too, basically while my parents were downstairs. He was convicted of sexually assaulting me from the time when I was seven years old, though I was under the impression that it had already happened when I was much younger.
He would read bedtime stories to my sister and I, put a blanket over my legs, and take advantage of the situation to get started. Sometimes he would even detach my sister by ordering her to go downstairs and get a drink. At the time, I was too young to think that this was normal. Plus, my family loved him, so even though I didn't like the behaviour, I tolerated it in silence. I was especially afraid that if other people found out, they would take me away and put me in care. I couldn't figure out why he only did this to me, probably because I had a quieter personality?
Sometimes he would take pictures of me and my sister with his camera --- not just normal pictures, but nude pictures of me, and pictures of my sister in her pyjamas. We were both about 7 or 8 years old at this time, and it was around this time that our 13-year-old sister, Sarah, found the photos and confronted him with them. However, he said that they were taken while we were fiddling with his camera.
No matter in what situation, he always had a reasonable explanation for his behaviour when confronted by us kids.
For a long time, I thought he hadn't raped me, but now I'm sure he did, even though he wasn't accused of rape. When I was nine years old, he took my sister and me to the cinema with him, then he took us to his flat and took me to the bedroom, and I don't remember anything after that.
Until the first time I made love, the scene of a man pressed up against me suddenly came to mind, and the feeling of his breath blowing into my ear was so clear.
This aggression ended before I hit puberty. But he would still show up at our family events as usual, acting surprised when I left in a rage as if nothing had happened.
At one point, I thought I was going crazy.
My parents didn't notice anything wrong. Once upon a time, he joked in front of my dad that he was going to Gretna Green (a wedding mecca) with me. I thought my dad would notice something, but he didn't notice anything.
When I was a teenager, I talked about all this to Sarah, but I made her promise not to say anything to anyone because I didn't want to hurt my mom and dad.
It all came out in the open when I was seventeen. One day Sarah bumped into him in the pub where he worked and when he tried to hug her like he always did, Sarah pushed him away and told him "I know what you did to my sister!" He ended up calling my dad straight away, claiming that Sarah had been very rude to him for no reason. As you can see here, he's always been a master of manipulation.
My dad was devastated when it all became public knowledge, but I never talked to him about it. It wasn't until years later, when I was 25, that I told him I was thinking about calling the police about it.
Three days later, however, Dad died unexpectedly. He'd had a heart attack all these years, and the stress from this incident was the final straw that led to his death.
I don't blame my parents, they were actually always very protective. It's just that they didn't realise that the real danger could be all around them.
In 2003, I finally told Sarah all the details, and it was the first time I told everything out. She called the police the next day after hearing it. I think she probably felt guilty because she had been gullible enough to believe him after she found the pictures in the camera that year.
But she made me extremely angry: it was my secret! I simply wasn't ready to face all the consequences this was going to bring, and she acted. Luckily in those days, the police couldn't catch without the victim's permission, unlike now.
In 2009, after I became a mom, I suffered from chronic fatigue, a physiological effect of PTSD, and in 2012, when the sexual assault case of BBC anchor Jimmy Savile and Operation Yewtree became sensational, I began to hesitate to report on all this that was happening to me.
At the end of May 2015, I eventually went to the police and confessed it all. What touched me was that they showed 100 per cent understanding and trust in my words. At one point, I was worried that no one would believe what I was saying. Even more surprisingly, everything Sarah had told them was filed and used as evidence.
At his first trial in July 2018, 'Uncle Mike' was charged with 15 offences, including sexual intercourse with a child, indecent assault, gross indecency, rape of a child under 13 years old and so on. However, he was acquitted of three offences and the rest are still pending. I was disappointed that he might have been able to get away with it.
But the case was retried in January 2019 and this time he was convicted of all the offences he was charged with. For a moment, I felt my world brightened. When we looked into each other's eyes again, I was no longer the one averting my gaze --- he had become the loser.
The judge called him a "serial predatory paedophile", but he just shrugged and shook his head in complete denial. I'm sure he's not behaved with himself yet, and I hope beyond hope that he's in pain, because I've been in pain for years, and now it's his turn.
Helen, Isla's mom.
To be honest, before I knew about all this, I never felt anything was wrong, ever. In hindsight, we were the ones who started it all. After all, it was us who invited the man into our home.
My husband runs a printing company and it was through his work that he met Mike. I remember when Sarah was a toddler he turned up with an expensive and stylish jacket and gave it to her as a gift. He claimed to have friends in the fashion world, which, combined with being funny and generous, made him a favourite with our family.
So I never suspected his disguise either, and I'm sure no one would ever suspect such a sassy-looking gentleman.
The only person who ever had any doubts about him was my mother-in-law. I remember when he took the two girls to the cinema, my mother-in-law asked "Why would a man of his age want to take two little girls to the city to watch a film?" Now that I think about it, my mother-in-law was so much smarter than me. But at that time, I just said, "After all, it's understandable that he can't see his daughters." We all sympathised with him for not being able to see his daughter.
When he offered to read the girls a bedtime story, we were all very happy. After all, he's a very interesting man and could probably make up interesting stories. I simply thought they were having a good time chatting upstairs and nothing else.
Actually, looking back, there were already signs. For example, sometimes he would come to my house with carnations, and every time that happened Isla would refuse to come downstairs to meet him. I would then urge her to come downstairs quickly and scold her of being rude to Mike. Looking back, I am really afraid of these actions of mine.
At the time, I just felt that I had spoilt my daughter. She was born prematurely and grew up weak and sickly. I thought I was giving her too much attention, causing her to become arrogant.
Isla kept these things bottled up until she was 17. The other day, Mike called my husband and accused that for some unknown reason, Sarah was being very rude to him. Up until that point, he had still felt invincible. My husband went to question Sarah and she just told him to ask Isla.
I remember the moment we went to her bedroom and learnt the truth. It was as if a bomb had exploded right there, and we were shocked beyond words. Isla's dad went into a rage, and if he wasn't in poor health he would have gone to fight Mike to death. He called Mike and shouted "You're dead" and those kind of words. He called the company and told everyone what Mike was really like. He even called everyone he knew who had kids to remind them.
For him, the guilt of introducing Mike to the family never went away, and he died in 1998 --- when Isla told him she wanted to report the thing. I've always thought it was guilt and anger that caused his heart problems that eventually led to his death.
I was angry with him and angry with myself. While you might think we can breathe a sigh of relief now that the trial is over, we never actually came out of the shadows and have been surrounded by a deep sense of guilt.
That's the end of the story. But please don't be optimistic and think that this story is far away from or irrelevant to you.
You never know how many people have suffered similar violations but are ashamed to talk about it and hide it until now.
For example, being coached by a teacher in gym class, being taken to the toilet by someone of the opposite sex, or being tickled by a relative who "accidentally" touched some sensitive parts of their body. ......
According to a report, about 70 per cent of rapes are committed by acquaintances, and more than 50 per cent of Asian women would not report rape to the police if they were raped by an acquaintance.
In China, which has always attached great importance to the "society of acquaintances" and "society of human relationship", the figures may not be more optimistic.
So we've compiled a series of tips for dealing with acquaintance rape, hoping to help you protect yourself and your friends.
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Stay away from people who don't respect you.
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You have the right to change your mind, the right to say 'no', the right to have sex with people you like but reject others.
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Recognise the danger signs: If someone suddenly crosses the line by being overly intimate with you, proposes a drink, or asks you to go somewhere secluded with him alone, these are all danger warnings.
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Speak up and let others know what you want and what you don't want. If you don't feel comfortable, don't let anyone touch you. If your bottom line is being violated, if you feel in danger, speak up and take immediate action.
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Don't drink easily, it will prevent you from thinking and speaking clearly and take away your ability to protect yourself.
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Pour your own drinks and don't let the glass out of sight. Many rapes after dates have been committed because the victim's drink was secretly drugged.
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Don't leave your partner alone, even if you think you can take care of yourself. It's always good to be careful.
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Trust your instincts, if you feel that someone is not trustworthy and somewhere is not safe, leave immediately.
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If necessary, protect yourself by trying to make a fuss and getting the attention of bystanders.
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Plan ahead for danger. For example, if you're going to play somewhere unfamiliar, let your loved ones or friends know where you're going. Find a reliable friend and tell him that you will call him anytime if you are in danger and ask him to be ready to help you.
Finally, please remember to be brave.
