Surprisingly, in the 4.23 World Book Day, I not only did not read a page of serious books, but instead read a whole day of the cheating story of Luo Zhixiang, and by the way, also put the time management and dark circle prevention and control on the priority in life.
Let's talk about the news of Luo Zhixiang cheating, dating and "multi-person movement". In fact, I think we are adults who are now accustomed to big news like this, so we are not strange about news in the entertainment circle.
If anything, Zhou Yangqing is quite valiant.
First of all, show both the positive and negative facts, recognise and appreciate the wonderful past, and then clearly list all kinds of bad behaviour of Luo Zhixiang. No excessive venting of negative emotions, not gaining unnecessary sympathy, clear attitude, emotionally distinct, firm position, all these almost let me forget that this is a female who had run for love for 9 years long but suddenly found that she has been cheated all the time.
That's pretty sensible and restrained.
There is no way to speculate what kind of sadness and struggle Zhou Yangqing went through in the Luo Zhixiang incident, but the process of self-repair after trauma must be full of pain.
The vast majority of girls in the face of betrayal and deception will hardly hit the nail on the head as Zhou Yangqing did, instead, a number of them will cry and be emotionally collapsed. Today let's talk about (in case you or your friends) suffered from being cheated, how to come out of it gracefully.
I. What Will Those who Experience Betrayal and Cheating Go Through
They say that loving someone is having both armour and soft spot at the same time, so cheating is like a soft spot stabbing you in the heart.
When you choose to believe in a person and enter into an intimate relationship, it is equivalent to exposing your own vulnerable side to the other side, inadvertently ceding many of your rights. At the centre of which is this: endowing the other person the right to hurt us.
This is undoubtedly risky. But because we trust that the other person will not do so, we will be willing to deliver our vulnerability and our benefits into the other person's hands.
The development of trust is just like a coiled tree growing in the heart. As a result, when the well-intentioned trust that we have placed in someone else is trampled on, it often takes a long time to try to calm it down, and this is betrayal trauma ---
For most people who have experienced betrayal by their partner, the deepest hurt does not stem from the extramarital sex or affair event itself. What hurts the most is this: the trust and faith bet on the most intimate person has been shredded.
A 2006 study found that women who accidently discovered that their loved ones had been unfaithful experienced acute stress symptoms similar to those characterised by Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). And it's not just the stress symptoms, but also the long-term trauma and effects of being "betrayed" that counsellors and researchers have found in practice.
In fact, if the betrayed partner thought he or she was in a healthy, committed relationship, the damage of an unexpected betrayal can be enormous.
Typical behaviours that occur as a result of experiencing betrayal in an intimate relationship include the following:
Emotional instability: recurrent crying, shifting back and forth from anger to sadness to hopefulness;
Sensitive and volatile: constantly collecting irrelevant events to prove that the other person will betray me again, easily triggered into a state of anxiety, anger or fear by the slightest possible clue of betrayal; for example, your partner coming home late, turning off the computer quickly, or 'staring' at an attractive member of the opposite sex for too long, and so on;
The emergence of after-effects: insomnia, nightmares, poor concentration; isolation; avoidance of thinking about and discussing the trauma (which is a common post-traumatic reaction);
The emergence of compulsive behaviours: e.g. compulsive spending, eating, exercising ......
The thing about cheating is not whether it is past or not. As soon as cheating begins, the person experiencing betrayal is able to evoke all sorts of responses in a variety of situations that reflect his or her painful memories. Unless one waits until years or more have passed and either the trust between the two has been rebuilt or the two have severed their association, the person who has been betrayed may still experience distrust, anger, loss, and other emotional reactions in various situations otherwise.
All of this is, without a doubt, painful and unbearable.
II. How to Repair Trauma?
For the side suffering from betrayal, when you have suffered an emotional shock, if you keep pursuing the details, or even attempt to punish or take revenge on your partner, you will only cause deeper damage to yourself and your relationship.
If you want to achieve the Zhou Yangqing style, it is more crucial for you to know how to rebuild yourself and reclaim a healthy mood and lifestyle.
We need to fully digest our grief, regain our self-esteem and self-confidence, and rebuild our trust in others and in our relationships.
There are three suggestions in Intimacy for people who have suffered betrayal:
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be brave enough to face betrayal head on without denying its existence;
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reinterpret betrayal in a positive view and use it as a motivator for personal growth;
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rely on friends for support (Ferguson-Issac et al., 1999).
If you are surrounded by unlucky people who have suffered from such betrayal and deception, here are still a few ways that can help them:
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Help them to stop blaming themselves. As with many social phenomena, there is a tendency in marriage to 'blame the victim', believing that the victim must have done something to deserve betrayal. This may lead the victim to blame himself or herself, "I must have done something to make him or her betray me," "Was I too stupid," "I must have been too naive."
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Stop the incessant fantasising.The betrayed person will constantly engage in compulsive behaviours or thoughts (this state is also seen in PTSD symptoms): for example, repeatedly and unstoppably recalling details of the past - this is the time to tell him or her to stop.
When people experience emotional distress, they often keep going back to details. This does give some sense of control, but it can equally give you the illusion that 'if I did better myself before, then I may change him or her too'. But this is not the case. You cannot change the way the other person thinks and acts.
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Help them to clearly define what constitutes behaviour that hurts their feelings. Figuring out our own 'bottom line' and communicating with the other person to come to an consensus, if possible, is the only thing we can do.
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Give them time and space to remember and mourn those lost in trauma. There is no doubt that the experience of betrayal steals innocence, faith and even dreams from our hearts. This is the hardest part. We even need to reconstruct our trust in others and try to communicate again. Give yourself a little more patience during this process.
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Rebuild ego and self-confidence. More often than not, we measure our worth by the love we receive in life. But when we tie our worth to our jobs, wealth, or anything external, the more likely we are to feel a sense of worthlessness. However, like any adversity might bring to a person, in the process, one may heal from adversities one never dared to expect, finally accept those that have been lost, discover the love and value of friends and family around you that you once ignored, and see yourself more clearly and know how to better live with yourself.
In fact, besides love, in any intimate relationship, people may encounter light or heavy "betrayal".
In these moments, the most important thing is not whether they decide to stay together/continue an important relationship (even if it's an incredible hurt, there are still some people who choose to continue to trust after that, it's a decision they make for themselves), but rather, how they look at the world, other people, and themselves, and how they continue to live and grow after the loss and trauma they've experienced.
Having said so much, I hope you never use it.
May fate never give you the chance to use it in life!
