In the Face of a Cheating Partner, Is Forgiving the Ultimate Goal?

With the rapid changes in social structure and lifestyles, people's attitudes towards relationships and their understanding of betrayal and even "double intentions" have become more calm.

"Cheating" is no longer a big news, and although it is still the talk of the town, the public has become more accustomed to "humanity" and is becoming more tolerant.

Interestingly, after a celebrity cheated, the public's reaction to the "aggrieved party's" approach is often surprisingly consistent:

Divorce, everyone applauded. Forgiving, everyone feels injustice and regret for the victim .

Today, we will mainly talk about one of them: forgiving.

When there are problems with a marriage, of course, you can choose to separate, and each of you will have a different life afterwards.

However, if both sides cherish the relationship and believe that there is still a possibility to continue to be together again, as the person who has been hurt, should we forgive them?

For "Cheaters are bastards! Break up! If you don't, do you want to keep it to the New Year?" This kind of thinking is out of the scope of our discussion for the time being.

So the premise here is that both sides believe that there is a future to talk about, and that the ultimate goal is to rebuild the relationship and prevent the mistake from happening again.

So can forgiving really achieve the ultimate goal?

I. How Is Forgiveness Explained Theoretically?

Cherubs: Forgiving Triggers Gratitude

Reciprocity theory suggests that individuals are often apologetic and grateful to those who are kind to them. "Forgiving transgressions" is a favour that one person gives to another.

The expectation of the person who chooses to forgive is that the person who cheated will feel sorry for him or her, never do it again, and even treat him or her better as a result.

Devils: Punishment Leads to Learning

Operant learning, on the other hand, holds that behaviour change can only be shaped by subsequent rewards and punishments. Forgiving, on the other hand, is equivalent to undoing the subsequent punishments and consequences.

Your partner has hurt you, but has not been taught a lesson, so he or she will not know he or she "did wrong" and is likely to do it again. Based on this logic, forgiving is useless and will only cause the person to do it again.

It may seem that the two statements are completely contradictory. But after all, this is just theoretical.

Then, let's see what reality is?

Even if we were knocked down by a stranger on the street, we might still get annoyed and say, "What the hell, watch where you're going!" -Let alone being hurt by our partner in an intimate relationship.

Cheating on the other and marital cheating ...... Whether it is from these events after the outbreak of the masses of angry emotions, public opinion, or from real-life feelings, is undoubtedly the most difficult to forgive.

The premise of betrayal and deception is trust. It is only when one has trusted a person that one can be deceived and betrayed.

So when we choose to trust someone and enter into an intimate relationship, we also simultaneously expose our vulnerable side to the other person, giving them the right to hurt us. And behind these hurts is the collapse of trust in intimate relationships.

They say that loving someone is having both armour and soft spot at the same time, so cheating is like a soft spot stabbing you in the heart, isn't it?

II. Why Is It So Hard to Forgive Others?

Regurgitation of Anger

Anger is the angry emotion that normally arises after being hurt, and people usually have a way of thinking called anger rumination, where people recall the painful details over and over again, chew on them carefully, and ask themselves, "How could he or she do this to me?"

This kind of compulsive thinking can give the person who has been hurt some sense of control, and people will think that they are fully aware of the whole situation, but in fact, the regurgitation of anger can bring about more pain.

It's what we often say if you cannot stop thinking about it, the more you think about it, the angrier you get.

To give an inappropriate example, one episode of Black Mirror could be considered to have taken regurgitated thinking to the extreme, where people can play back and show previous memories at will. A husband catches his wife cheating on him and in anger forces her to play it back for him. How it ends, if you have seen Black Mirror, you will know.

Unwillingness to Be Hurt

People often find it difficult to forgive because they are "not reconciled". Why should I be the one who is hurt? Why should I forgive the person who has hurt me?

But we don't know exactly how to be "reconciled". Both of us make a compromise? Or do we slam the door and get a divorce? As it is often said in TV dramas, "Even if I cut this person into a thousand pieces, it's still hard to ease the hatred in my heart", so it's clear that consecutive punishment can't really eliminate the pain.

And these are contrary to the premise mentioned at the beginning of the article: it does not matter whether you forgive or not. In fact, you are no longer willing to continue the relationship.

III. What Does True Forgiving Look Like?

First, let's look at what forgiving is not.

Forgiveness is not the same as:

Being generous and kind, being a good person: A gentleman does not keep a record of wrongs done by those of lesser stature.
Incompetence and cowardice, no power to fight back: can not retaliate, at least make oneself look good through forgiving.
Letting someone get away with it: forgiving them so easily?
Have no choice but to forgive: you have to forgive, what else can you do?
Forgetting the past: forgetting the other person's misdeeds and our own painful experiences.

But these ideas about forgiveness are often what people see in real life: forgiving means being kind and weak, or even "acting like a saint and spreading love".

So what exactly is forgiving?

It is choosing to accept what has happened instead of dwelling on what should have happened or what could have happened.

After the trauma of betrayal, people can't help but think, "If only it was ......".

Forgiving means letting go of the hope of dwelling on "what could have been different", facing the present moment, and taking responsibility for ourselves.

Furthermore, each of us sees the world through our own eyes, so the world is full of Rashomon. Forgiving means that you can start to think from the other person's perspective. Start to step out and see the whole thing at a higher level.

So when we start thinking about forgiving, it's no longer about simply judging something as good or bad, but about fully accepting it as it is.

IV. Forgiving Points More to Oneself Rather than Letting off Others

The first step is to deal with your own trauma. After a stressful event, when the intimate relationship is in a period of acute stress, typical behaviours may include:

Emotional instability: shifting back and forth between crying, anger, and hopefulness.
Sensitivity and volatility: regurgitation on the details of the whole incident, extra anxiety about the other person's behaviour.
Sequelae: insomnia, nightmares, difficulty in concentrating, avoidance (of traumatic situations or discussions about trauma)
Compulsive behaviour: compulsive spending, exercising, eating

The emotions of anger, hatred, grief, and feeling insulted that follow betrayal are all normal and must be dealt with. Only after these emotions have healed can forgiving begin.

At this stage, it is crucial to focus on yourself, deal with your torn life and shame, and rebuild your self and confidence, rather than turning all your fire on the other person first.

It is only after dealing with your emotions that you can begin to repair your relationship. The main tasks at this point are:

Sincere discussion: Both partners need to empathise with each other, listen to each other's feelings, talk openly about the reasons behind the incident, expectations of each other, etc.
Expression of boundaries: This includes the boundaries of both partners, as well as the boundaries between the cheating partner and the outside world, and a period of time with clear behavioural control.
Rebuild trust: Keep your words and actions consistent.
Seek help: Family marriage counselling can be introduced if necessary to change the power of the whole system.

Forgiving is reached naturally when trust is re-established. To some degree, forgiving is not an attitude that you can take the initiative to choose, and the more one "wants" to forgive, the more counterproductive it can be.

Therefore, forgiveness is not something to be pursued intentionally; it is more of a by-product of the process of rebuilding one's life on the road to reconciliation with oneself.

In the film "Gone Girl ", the wife, in order to take revenge on her cheating husband, directs a missing murder drama, so that the whole society can judge her husband. What a "successful" revenge.

In the end, the two of them stand in front of the camera and perform their love in harmony, but in reality, they are torturing each other and need to wear a mask for the rest of their lives. They have both committed felonies against each other.

Whether you choose to forgive the other person or not, may you continue to live happily and still have the capacity to love.