A few years ago there was a film "If You Are The One 2". In the opening, there was a divorce ceremony, providing a new idea for breakup lovers, as the film said: "We are all very inspired and encouraged, and there are even several pairs who have said that they will adopt this idea when they break up."
The reason we find it novel is that we haven't seen anyone do it before. A ceremony can be held to commemorate a big day as engagement and marriage, and how could you celebrate something as sad as the loss of a loved one or an intimate relationship?
This implicitly suggests a default routine: the joy of gain can be remembered through ceremony, whereas in the face of the trauma of loss (except death), we don't seem to want ceremony.
But this is not the case in reality, and we often organise 'ceremonies' for loss. Ceremonies are time-consuming, labour-intensive and, most importantly, cost money. While it's impossible to have a ceremony for every breakup, there are still plenty of compensatory ritualistic behaviours that we can do to tell ourselves: I've let go this relationship.
I. What Are Breakup Rituals?
Break up rituals refer to things that individuals habitually do after a breakup, for example:
Getting a new haircut;
The barber asked, "Will a haircut help you forget the past?"
Delete photos and contacts, and empty everything about the person;
Or will it be stored like a trophy?
Revisiting old haunts (often the place where a relationship began)
Shu Qi said to Uncle Ge, "Can you accompany me to Hokkaido?"
Throwing away gifts sent by your partner (but the bag is innocent!)
A big bag of brandy things is thrown into the Huangpu River.
Get drunk (and then empowered by alcohol, call him or her?)
When Wong Siu Sin got drunk, she subconsciously called out her ex-boyfriend
Overeating, impulsive consumption (young, impulsive, strong sense of formality)
There are many kinds of events in life that don't actually have a clear point of when they happen, especially when we are dealing with losses. Breakups and loss of relationships are not an all-or-nothing event; they are a process that has a certain period. After a certain period of time, if the individual is able to enjoy being single or start a new relationship, it is the end of the breakup journey.
There is no statistically significant gap between men and women in the time it takes to recover from a breakup, which is respectively 7.19 and 7.47 months. During this phase of time, ritualised behaviour may be a coping style that helps us to reduce pain, but it may also have the opposite effect.
II. Let It Go? Easy for You to Say.
It is said that people die three times; the first time is physiological brain death, when they lose all their faculties; the second time is the burial, when the congregation witnesses one's departure, and there is no place or identity for that person in society ever again; and the third time is when the last person in the world who remembers him or her forgets about him or her, and he or she is truly gone.
Similarly, it may take three times to lose an intimate relationship.
The first time is when two people's hearts drift apart, as Keigo Higashino's novel states:
"There doesn't really need to be any specific reason for people to be no longer bonded to each other; even if there is one on the surface, it's probably just an excuse made up afterwards as a result of the heart having already left."
The second time is when two people explicitly break up, show the other person their attitude and also tell the world: our intimate relationship ends here.
The third time is when you truly let go of the other person in your heart.
It's not that easy to "let go of someone from the bottom of your heart", and this third step is especially hard. Whether people cut their hair or delete photos, they all just want to make this step easier. "Let it go" is an invisible and intangible thing, so people want to visualise this step: to mark the end of the relationship with a clear and visible act/event.
Some people may find it "mawkish" and don't need these rituals to prove their emotional state. So let's guess:
III. Why Do Those Who Need It Need It?
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Remove Him or Her from Our Life
Having shared so many memories and experiences with someone, all of a sudden, this person is no longer integrated into your life. This kind of disparity is not easy to bear for everyone who has gone through a breakup.
We may need to delete his or her photos and contacts, and remove his or her traces one by one, so that this person slowly disappears from our life.
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Create a Memory
Perhaps some people regard breakups as a grow-up experience, so to remember the hurt, you need to do something to make it special and process it deeper in your brain.
For example, if on the day you broke up with your ex, you burned all of his or her photos, threw away all the gifts that he or she gave you, and got drunk heavily, then these slightly extreme experiences will make you more impressive of the date.
The most valuable things we have are memories, and human memories are all about moments. When you look back on the relationship, you can see the beginning, the process, and there can be things that can be recalled to mark the end of it.
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Behaviour Changes Attitudes
Ritual behaviours after a breakup are sometimes used to shift your emotions and perceptions for the better. "Cutting your hair short is the same as cutting your attachments", and some explicit behaviours can make yourself firm and decisive in a state of ambiguity.
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Say Goodbye to the Past
Generally speaking, people seek a closed relationship, one that has a beginning and an end. Whether it seems to be ritualistic or comes from the bottom of your heart, everything you do is to bring a formal closure to an intimate relationship, to say goodbye to the past.
IV. Everything Is an Inner Experience
Ritual does not equal formality. Breakup rituals are for yourself, to mourn the past, or to better face the future. Formality, on the other hand, is meant to be done for others, to save face. If your breakup ceremony is for yourself, no matter for what reason and purpose, that's absolutely fine.
So it doesn't matter whether the sense of ceremony is important or not, a solemn ceremony or a natural transition is just a different choice for different people, inner experience is the most important thing.
Life is a long river, and the water keeps flowing.
But we still want to remember when to draw the knife and cut it off.
