Once, I saw a question online and was instantly fascinated, ‘Why do I feel uncomfortable when people are nice to me?’. The questioner mentioned that even if someone gave him a red packet, he would have to give back twice the number as much to feel at ease. This question can actually be interpreted into many expressions, such as, why do I get anxious after I get something? Or why am I upset after I have satisfied my needs?
During the course of counselling, I often encounter this phenomenon: some visitors feel very anxious about opening up and expressing their needs, always feeling that their needs are a burden to others. There are also visitors who, once they feel that their counsellor or other people in their life are treating them nice, will have an uncomfortable feeling, sometimes even a deep sense of guilt, as if they are not worthy of these good things at all.
This Chinese New Year, when I lived with my little 6 year old niece over New Year's Eve, something impressive happened. My little niece had a super space maze toy. A few kids got together on New Year's Eve and they all competed to take turns playing this game. One time, my niece invited her four-year-old cousin sister to her home to play with her. The sister said she wanted to play the maze game, and she wanted one herself. My little niece was very reluctant, but the sister didn't notice the her looks at all and found the toy to play with on her own (since they play with each other very often, they were familiar with each other's rooms). Afterwards, I saw both of them pulling on the maze toy and not letting go of it. My little niece insistedly said to her sister that "There is one at your home too, my mom bought three of them and one of them is for you." Her sister said insistedly, "I don't have one at home." My little niece even cried that her cousin sister was scared and did not know what to do.
I rushed over to comfort and coax her and asked her why she was crying, and she said, ‘Mummy originally bought three toys and said she wanted to give one to her. Mummy might have given it to someone else. If she didn't have any at home, Mummy would have asked me to give her mine!’
I couldn't help but feel sorry for her. I knew her mom too well to know that her mom would really do something like that. If her cousin sister had asked whether she could take this toy home, my little niece's mom would say, "You should let your sister have this toy. It's not a big deal. I'll buy you another one." In her mind, taking care of others' needs is a virtue, and she wants to teach these virtues to her children.
Therefore, in answering the question ‘Why do I feel uncomfortable when people are nice to me?’, my first thought was that this was influenced by our collective culture. Our culture used to promote the ‘Lei Feng Spirit’ and overly promote the practice of some party members' not going home for the benefit of the collective, meaning that it is very noble to give up one's own needs in order to satisfy the needs of others. Over time, we will feel in our collective subconsciousness that it would be selfish to satisfy ourselves.
Professionally speaking, there may be several reasons why you feel uncomfortable when others are kind to you. Some people subconsciously worry that after accepting someone else's kindness, they don't know how to reciprocate. If they don't reciprocate, the relationship will suffer. The implicit idea here is that others accept me must be from what I can offer them. If I can't offer it, I will be discarded. Deeper still, there may be a similar notion that others who are kind to me must accordingly demand more of me, demands that I cannot fulfil. For example, parents always want their children to become what they think they should be after giving them so much. The child is fearful of these demands and, naturally, of what the parents or others give them. Some feel that if I am need something from others, I will get them into inconvenience and then they will discard me. Others feel that if I need something from others, I will draw humiliation and scold from others, and it is as if I have become a beggar or a slave waiting for favours. So I can't let others feel that I am needy.
Either way, it reflects the same thought: we don't deserve all this goodness. It's not right for us to satisfy ourselves, and our needs can't be honoured; otherwise our relationships will be damaged. We can't be open to accepting the good that others do for us; otherwise they might feel bad about us, and we may suffer refusal, denial or even attack and humiliation. Whether we are worthy of love and relationships has some bearing with how we behave and nothing to do with us personally. That's why we always worry about being refused in interpersonal communication because we don't speak or act appropriately. Over time, we give up on our own needs, preferring to make our life miserable and maintain relationships.
My little niece, with good language skills, so directly and truthfully expressed her pain and her identification with the conflict with her mother: that would have been my toy, but I can't have it just because my cousin sister has a need for it, but I don't want to lose it.
Her expression touched me, and I pulled her into my arms and told her that this is your toy, and if you don't want to give it to your cousin, you can just tell your mom that you don't want to give it to her, that it's your own thing and you want to keep it, and that you can lend it to her for a while but she has to give it back to you after she is done with it.’ She dazed for a moment and handed the toy to her cousin. It wasn't long before the two of them were happily playing together. The cousin kept telling her mother who had come to pick her up when she left, "Mom, you have to buy me the same maze toy."