I have a very good friend who changed jobs last week and doubled her salary. She also got a new boyfriend recently, who is a lot more handsome than her ex. She's happy in both her work and love life.
She said she would treat me to dinner this weekend, and I said, "That's great! Being so many happy things, I have to kill you a meal".
But I know I'm not that happy, I'm even a little disappointed. It made me feel a bit awkward.
You might guess that we must be the kind of "best friends" who fight over each other. But in fact, we have been very good friends since junior high school, there have been all-night long talks, there have been in times of trouble to help each other, and usually in WeChat we will also tease each other.
I wish her all the best, but now that I see her doing really well, I'm a little jealous.
The hardest thing for me to accept is that I'm actually the kind of person who would be jealous of a good friend.
I. Jealousy Makes Conflicts and Struggles
Social comparisons are ubiquitous, so jealousy is a fairly common, but at the same time "taboo" emotion that is not often talked about.
It is really painful, and studies have shown that jealousy activates brain regions associated with physiological pain (Takahashi et.al., 2009). It is no wonder that people are very reluctant to admit that they are experiencing this emotion.
This emotion becomes even uglier especially when the target of our jealousy is our best friend. At that time, I was in a state of being pulled by two contradictory forces:
One hand condemned myself: "That's my best friend, how can I expect her to be bad!" But I couldn't help myself on the other hand.
I should have wished my friend's being well, but my wishing makes me feel bad, because I keep thinking, "Why is she so lucky, why am I not the lucky one?"
And this made me feel very sad, on the one hand, about that the other person is much better than me, and on the other hand, about that I have such thoughts.
Even later on, when I saw her, Mrs. Excellent encounter setbacks, I would have a little snicker in my heart. I feel ashamed of having such a thought, and do not want to face this kind of self.
She is my good friend, which is not a disputing fact, but the problem lies in the fact that friendship in our conception is supposed to provide support and positive strength, and we all hope that it will always bring good memories.
But now, the friendship is mixed with something dark and cracked. I'm afraid that it might hurt me and her.
Dealing with jealousy is something we need to face. If you ignore it, it won't stay silent, instead it will devour the friendship without your notice.
II. Is Jealousy Only for Girls?
When we think of jealousy of friends, the first thing that comes to mind is probably the "Times Sisters" tearing each other apart or the "Gossip Girl" love and fight.
In many people's minds, jealousy is a girly thing. Even the word "bosom friend" has become synonymous with jealousy, and "bosom friend" is not a friend, "brother" is a friend.
It seems that women are given the right to be jealous because they are born to be more sensitive and emotional. But if a guy expresses his jealousy of a friend, he may be commented, "Aren't you a man?".
In fact, research has found that men and women experience jealousy in intimate relationships at roughly the same frequency, but in different ways.
One reason for this is that there are gender differences in same-sex friendships, with female friendships mainly characterised by emotional sharing: they are more self-expressive and emotionally supportive; therefore, chatting is very important for girls.
Male friendships, on the other hand, revolve around shared activities, doing things together, playing basketball together, or going to the pub.
When faced with good friends around them, males may tend to turn jealousy into approval as a way of boosting their sense of self-worth and using this as a form of social capital.
For example, males will usually say, "See that awesome guy? That's my (alliteration) buddy."
Or, males may express their jealousy in the form of direct aggression, looking down on the other guy, calling the other guy "showy," or even getting into a fight.
Of course, categorising by gender is too simplistic and unrealistic. We should not prescribe "what men/women must be like". In friendships, the differences between individuals are likely to be greater than the differences between gender groups.
III. What State Is the Envied Person in?
We've discussed a lot about the psychology of the person who is jealous, and the truth is that in a friendship, the one who is envied often feels more embarrassed.
If you feel envied by a good friend, how should you face the relationship and get along with each other?
My colleague had been jealous of by an old good friend, and her friend had expressed this feeling to her: "Actually, I have been quite jealous of you before, we have been classmates for so many years, and your grades have always been so good, you went to a prestigious university, and you are better than me in all aspects of ability."
My colleague's first reaction to these words was, "How could I be so good as you say?"
Behind jealousy, there is usually idealisation, where a friend can only see what we choose to show, but we are able to see all of ourselves. So through the eyes of jealousy, the advantage is magnified and the disadvantage is ignored.
In addition, the envied person often develops self-blame and shame, and it seems that whether he or she wants it or not, he or she seems to have taken away some resources that should have belonged to his or her good friend.
With a dazzling friend, people will see your friend first; bosses will favour your friend who is better at his or her job; and friends will prefer your friend who is funny and humorous.
Therefore, the envied person usually engages in more pro-social behaviours (van de Ven, Zeelenberg & Pieters, 2010), offering to help his or her friends, or even making a fool out of himself or herself by deliberately putting down his or her achievements as a way to ease the relationship.
Jealous people always focus on the advantages and strengths of others.
But isn't that what good friends do? It's because we see each other's sparkles, tolerate, even like each other's shortcomings, that we cherish our friends so much, and that we treat him or her as our best friend.
Jealousy of a friend isn't such a terrible and intolerable thing; if you can handle jealousy, then your friendship can withstand anything.