What Is Remembered May Not Eventually Be Echoed

Can we still be friends after a breakup?

This is not nonsense. Even if you can't be a couple, she doesn't want to lose a good friend who has known her for seven years.

So after she and her ex broke up, both sides agreed to continue to get along as good friends. As it turned out, things didn't go as she had hoped.

Not only did they not treat each other as friends, but they also destroyed even the good memories from their previous relationship because they kept turning over old accounts.

Can a once close relationship return to a pure revolutionary friendship? This has always been a controversial topic and in most cases, it is not very easy.

All the hurt feelings from the past are an insurmountable barrier between two people. Many people stop speaking to their ex, deny the other person's existence (how's the ex doing? Dead), and even breathing the same air as the other person is a denial with a NO.

But there are also many couples who, because they don't have the same expectations of each other after a breakup, actually develop a real, pure friendship with their ex.

I. What Kind of Couples Can Still Be Friends After a Breakup?

The End of the Relationship is Pleasant and Normal

There was no bloody plot in the relationship. The end had nothing to do with cheating, moving on, trust or jealousy, and both parties agreed amicably about the end.

Psychologist Baxter (1987) suggests that there are three types of breakup strategies:

Face-to-face Showdown (Relationship Talk)

Face-to-face conversation about how you feel about the relationship. The idea of breaking up may be influenced by the anger and hurt expressed by the other person, but it is a more honest and respectful way.

Distance Cueing

Refusing personal interaction and ignoring the other person's need for love and belonging.

Not returning chat messages, not answering the phone, keeping silent on social networks, and fading away from your life. Then the relationship slowly become cold, and breakup.

Manipulate the Other Side to Break Up (Cost Escalation):

Make you feel that you are a burden in this relationship. If you do not break up, you will delay him or her and be considered a very selfish person.

Or deliberately do things you can not stand, challenge your bottom line, so that you take the initiative to break up.

Showing your cards and talking it out in person is the only way to potentially develop a friendship after the relationship ends. If you use the last two indirect ways to end a relationship, you basically never see each other again after the breakup, and you can't talk about being friends or not.

Have a Strong Social Support System for Each Other

By having a strong social support system from friends and family to help you go through the tough times of a breakup, you are more likely to develop friendships with your ex after the breakup.

Lovers Who Develop from Friends

Psychologist Metts (1989) found that whether you or the other person initiated the breakup, if both of you were friends or had many mutual friends before the intimate relationship began, you were likely to remain friends even after the relationship ended.

School romances are likely to return to friendship after they end.

One possible explanation for this is that couples have experienced positive emotions together in previous friendship relationships, which can prompt them to have more open communication and use more peaceful breakup strategies.

Had a lot of Commitment to Each Other in the Relationship

Those who commit more to each other and connect more deeply in a relationship are more likely to become friends after the relationship ends.

Psychologist Stenberg developed the classic triad of love, which suggests that the components of love contain three parts: intimacy, passion and commitment.

Passion is often expressed in the form of physiological intimacy --- the need for sex --- and the disappearance of sexual needs does not necessarily mean the disappearance of psychological intimacy.

It is possible to develop a platonic relationship if both partners speak high of psychological intimacy.

II. Is It Really a Good Idea to Maintain a Friendly Relationship with Your Ex?

Although we mentioned above many factors that can keep a friendship alive after a relationship ends, it doesn't mean that being friends is the best option.

If an ex has ever hurt you deeply by cheating or being abusive (physically or emotionally), then it might not be a good idea to be friends.

What we are discussing is whether it's a wise decision to keep a friendship after a breakup when both parties don't want to become complete strangers, but are hesitant to do so.

Of course, this is a choice that varies from person to person. Many people believe that being friends with your ex means you are mature and can handle relationships. However, most people still have concerns: fear of the current partner's emotions, fear of embarrassment, fear of trouble, and so on.

In fact, when you are considering whether to be friends with your ex or not, the most important thing is not whether you have the above mentioned qualifications or not, but, what is the purpose of the friendship you want to maintain with your ex?

III. What Are the Real Purposes You Want to be Friends with Your Ex?

Research has found that there are generally two main purposes for remaining friendships:

To satisfy the need for companionship
The hope to get back together in the future.

You can do either, but the question is, is your ex doing the same?

If you're doing it for the companionship and attention of your ex, and your ex is hoping to get back together one day, then the relationship may not be going as well as either of you hope.

Of course, you will "have" this friendship whether or not your intentions are the same for each other. However, you may have been playing the role of 'good friends' for a long time, but you have a very different 'definition' of what it means to be best friends.

So, if you want to be friends with your ex, either you have the same definition of friendship, or you want to get the same things from each other, or you both want to repair the relationship in secret.

Otherwise, the friendship that develops with your ex will not be a truly healthy relationship.

IV. Even If You Can't Remain Friends, At Least You Can Maintain a Friendly Relationship.

Being friends with your ex doesn't mean you have to be as intimate as close friends, and not being friends doesn't necessarily mean you have to burn bridges.

There are some differences between becoming friends and interacting friendly.

Friendship involves relatively frequent communication and exchange. It has wider boundaries; you can go out on a date, talk to each other about work or about a recent argument with a family member.

Whereas keeping it friendly is simply meeting up without being awkward and saying hello, or having a shallow conversation and then separating to do your own thing.

When we end a relationship, it's important to grasp clear boundaries with our ex.

Respecting each other's boundaries, refraining from doing certain things, and also preventing the other person from breaking through our boundaries in order not to hurt either one of you. Living separately, but maintaining a friendly attitude in some public places, may be a compromise.

Mo Yan said in Frogs:

Love is actually a big disease,

Mine is about to be cured.