II. These Are the Practices that Really Hurt Kids in Divorce
If a parent has a heartfelt desire not to hurt their child, then it is important to remember that there is a methodology to divorce.
Divorce itself does not necessarily hurt children. But some of the behaviours of parents during the divorce process can be a major source of trauma for the children.
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Divorce Will Be a Fight, but the Timing of the Fight Is Important.
Divorce is a matter of quarrels and arguments. If you really want to do what's best for your children, then you need to know the right time to argue.
In a 1985 study, psychologist Hetherington and her associates found that children who saw their parents fight more before their divorce adapted better after their parents' divorce than children who saw their parents argue less before their divorce.
It's not hard to understand. If pre-divorce arguments avoid children, they are not mentally prepared to deal with their parents' subsequent divorce and will be more surprised and terrified by their decision to divorce. Furthermore, children whose parents have more heated arguments will see divorce as a relief. Finally, they won't have to watch their parents fight every day, and that's what they wish for.
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Not Explaining the Reasons for the Divorce to the Child
Don't hide it. Be honest with your children about why you are divorcing.
A child's perspective on the matter of parental divorce is different from that of either parent. It's relatively obvious to parents why their marriage couldn't go to the end, but children don't understand it that way --- they tend to blame themselves for their parents' divorce and carry that hidden guilt for a long time.
As one of the kids we interviewed, a girl, put it:
My greatest feelings during the saddest time after Mom and Dad's divorce were not anger, or injustice, or even helplessness --- but were deep, deep guilt. I was sorry that they didn't love each other enough to live together for my sake, and I was sorry that they had to be involved for the rest of their lives because of me when they finally had the chance to separate.
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Forcing Children to Choose Between Their Parents
Who will you be with when mom and dad get divorced? This is a more than classic question.
Another girl did experience this ‘choice’ and described her story this way:
They were sitting on both sides of the table, and in the middle was an aunt they all knew. "She asked me, Who do you want to be with when Mom and Dad get divorced?"
Actually, I've wanted to be with my dad since I was a kid. But at that time, I kept my head down and didn't dare to answer. I didn't know if following him would be a drag on him; I didn't know if he wanted me or not; and I didn't know if my mom would be upset.
My dad sniffled and squatted down to look at me flatly, "Son, when will you be able to make up your own mind for yourself?"
I thought so hard and then told him, maybe when I become ten. At that time, I thought the hardest thing was just multiplication and division in the second grade, and the farthest future was just three years from now when I would be ten. I thought ten was pretty advanced for a human being, and that kids like me would always be seven and never make it to ten.
Then Dad said, well, then I'll wait until you're ten and you tell everyone yourself that you want to be with me.
The promise of being ten years old was like a magic spell that hung over me for the three years between the ages of seven and ten. Eating my mom's cooking and remembering the promise I made to my dad seemed like betrayal. I felt deeply sorry for my dad and my mom.
Guilty as I was, I finally reached the age of ten.
One day when the tutorial class was over, my dad and mom were standing side by side at the door, their faces blue. I had just reached the door when each of them grabbed an arm and pulled me out of the door like a prisoner, trying to shove me into their car. Then my mom couldn't help herself. She got away from me and went up to my dad, and outside my tuition organization my dad and mom were fighting in the street, with people all over the street watching. My dad fell on his knees, and with a face full of bruises from my mom's scratches, he knelt down and told me, ‘Son, dad is sorry for you. It was December, and the north wind was as cold as a knife. I wanted to pull my dad up, but I was too scared to move. My mother rushed up again and pulled my father, the spectators around were pointing fingers, some people even called the police. I was squeezed out of the crowd, looking at the road next to the traffic, and I suddenly realized that life will not let you have the ability to choose overnight because you are ten years old. I suddenly felt a huge sense of powerlessness pressing down from the top of my head.
I was ten years old and for the first time I wanted to run into traffic.
Forcing a child to choose between parents is always going to be crueler than you think, especially for pre-teens.
They are the most powerless of the group, dragging two bound arms while the knife and saw that cuts through their lives are shoved into their palms, playing executioner to their own original families.
No matter what the choice is, the child's heart will be buried deep in guilt from then on.
III. So What Can You Do to Try to Make the Divorce Less Damaging to Your Children?
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Let Your Children See Less of the Arguments During Your Divorce.
Children will adjust better if they see less of their parents' arguments during the divorce process.
And, it is very helpful if parents can clearly describe to their children the reasons for the divorce and its following procedure, and do not avoid questions from their children.
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Don't Badmouth the Other Parent to the Child.
Don't speak ill of the other parent in front of your children in search of approval after a divorce --- at any time.
Another girl whose parents divorced recalled that her mother made her join in bad-mouthing her father, something that still haunts her:
For many years, it was as if I had a dictionary with distorted meanings, where the synonym for "I love my mom" was "I hate my dad", and the synonym for "I want my mom to be happy" was "I don't want to see my dad". My mom had been hurt by my dad in her marriage and I was used as the chopping block to punish my dad. It was as if the eight-year-old me already had a thirty-six-year-old woman in a bad marriage living inside me. I hadn't even held a boy's hand at that point in my life, yet I had to chew over the discord in a failed marriage with my mom.
At the height of the affair, my mother forbade me to call my father "Dad". She said it was unnecessary to call him "Dad" when he wasn't responsible for supporting you anyway. When I was seriously ill and hospitalised in Grade 6 of primary school, my mother was with me when my father called the hospital. I was running a high fever at the time, and as I clipped the phone and carefully peered at her face, she locked her eyebrows and glared at me, telling me, "Call him uncle."
Maybe your marriage ended badly, and you and your former partner even turned against each other for the rest of your life, but children don't have a vendetta against everyone.
Speaking ill of the other person to your child is bound to put the other person in the middle of a dilemma. You should know that your ex-partner may not have been a good husband or wife to you, but he or she will always be a parent to your children, and your children love him or her as much as they love you.
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Divorce Education for Children Going Through Parental Divorce.
Divorce education for children going through parental divorce is also very essential: both parents need to give adequate emotional support to the children and pay close attention to the children's behavioural abnormalities during this period; until the divorce process is completed, the family order needs to be observed and maintained by everyone together.
Other factors that can help the child to go through the divorce period smoothly include stable financial support and social support, such as the child's friends, classmates and teachers.
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The Stability of At Least One Parent's Life After the Divorce Is Significant to the Child's Self-perception.
Stability of at least one parent after the divorce is essential for a minor child, and it is important to try to avoid involving the child in a volatile situation by reducing visitation when one parent is unstable.
One girl whose parents divorced and then remarried separately said she thought it was good that her parents divorced.
We'd like to end with her story, too:
The question I was most often asked after my parents separated was "Do you want mom and dad to get back together?" And I would always say no. They both rebuilt families very quickly, and I'm happy with my mom, a loving stepdad and the brother my stepdad brought over.
To say I have no regrets would be a lie. The rabbit doll my dad gave me in primary school has been with me for the four times when I moved house; I've written about him in almost every narrative essay since secondary school.
But my parents were each happy in their second marriages, and that's what I preferred: my parents are both able to love someone well and be loved than to have to let their marriage languish for the sake of their children when it clearly wasn't working out.
This is something that means a lot more to me. The marriage of parents is the exemplary for every child's understanding of love, and although my parents had a failed marriage, their subsequent stable life allowed me to really learn how to love and be loved as I grew up, and gave me the courage to be as fulfilled and happy as they were if I started a family in the future.
Yes, to make every family and every member happy is the most important thing.