I remember that the college entrance examination has not yet ended a few days, there are friends began to predict: after the examination, there will certainly be a wave of divorce. We will see.
Sure enough, last weekend I already heard that some relatives from my hometown went to the Civil Affairs Bureau to do the formalities. Family members also complained, "we've tried our best to persuade".
It reminds me of a report I read last year, in which a staff member of the Civil Affairs Bureau said that all those who came to get divorced after the college entrance exams tended to look calm. When people see such couples, they will know that they have long been as good as dead, and they will not bother to say anything more. They can not be persuaded back.
Waiting for the children to finish their exams before divorcing is the last consensus of many Chinese parents' marriages. "Family responsibility is higher than their own happiness" is the good intention of parents for the sake of their children.
But does this good intention really make sense? Is it really good for children to delay a marriage that is at the end of its rope?
We talked to a few kids who have gone through their parents' divorces about what divorce really brings to their life.
I. Does Divorce Always Hurt Children?
A girl who went through her parents' divorce at the age of 7 says that looking back after 14 years, she is actually grateful:
I have learnt more or less about my parents' stories over the years, and know that they chose to separate in order to pursue the life they each wanted. In the days before the separation my father sighed every day and my mother cried every day --- both of them were unhappy. Looking back when I grew up, my parents' divorce was something I found very courageous.
Divorce is painful for everyone --- it's almost like a break from the past. My father was only thirty-four years old when the lawsuit was filed, and his hair turned grey that year. After surviving the hardest years, I saw my parents get better and better, and both found the new life they really wanted.
Parental divorce has an effect on children, but it doesn't seem to have as much of an impact as one might think.
A 2002 study by psychologist E. Mavis Hetherington found that many children have short periods of negative emotions when they first learn of their parents' divorce, consisting mainly of: anxiety, anger, surprise and suspection. These negative emotions tend to fade away by the end of the second year, with only a small percentage of children suffering longer.
Most children from divorced families do not suffer from their parents' divorce in their long-term development. In a longitudinal study begun in 2001, sociologist Paul R. Amato invited a group of children whose families were intact, as well as children who had experienced parental divorce at different ages. Observers observed and recorded these children's academic abilities, emotional problems, delinquent behaviours, levels of self-perception and social relationships during childhood, adolescence and emerging adulthood.
The results of the study showed that there were no significant differences between children from divorced families and those from intact families in many of these indicators, suggesting that most children can digest the matter of parental divorce quite well in the long run.
On the contrary, those marriages that languish are more hurtful.
A girl who is in high school described her feelings about watching her parents' argument to us in this way:
"Every time I see my parents arguing and smashing things, and then when my mom cries and tells me the words, 'If it wasn't for you, we would have divorced long ago,' I want to cover myself in a pillow and scream loudly. I understand that they are trying very hard to carry the responsibility of giving me a complete home, but they made a private decision without asking me if such a sacrifice was what I wanted and what was really good for me. I expected a home that was real and full of love, not complete in form. Sacrifices imposed on me in this way left me i.e. not getting what I wanted and burdened with guilt about them."
Kimberley O'Brien, a child psychologist, says parents who pretend that their marital status is intact in order to protect their children are only doing so in vain:
"Children are sensitive to changes in parenting and can empathise intuitively with changes in vocal tone and their parents' anxiety levels. If parents whose marriages are in disrepair don't tell their children about their true situation, choosing instead to pretend to ignore what's happening 'for the sake of the children', they are actually creating a dishonest family atmosphere for their children, which will set them up for even greater danger for the rest of their lives."
II. These Are the Practices that Really Hurt Kids in Divorce
If a parent has a heartfelt desire not to hurt their child, then it is important to remember that there is a methodology to divorce.
Divorce itself does not necessarily hurt children. But some of the behaviours of parents during the divorce process can be a major source of trauma for the children.
-
Divorce Will Be a Fight, but the Timing of the Fight Is Important.
Divorce is a matter of quarrels and arguments. If you really want to do what's best for your children, then you need to know the right time to argue.
In a 1985 study, psychologist Hetherington and her associates found that children who saw their parents fight more before their divorce adapted better after their parents' divorce than children who saw their parents argue less before their divorce.
It's not hard to understand. If pre-divorce arguments avoid children, they are not mentally prepared to deal with their parents' subsequent divorce and will be more surprised and terrified by their decision to divorce. Furthermore, children whose parents have more heated arguments will see divorce as a relief. Finally, they won't have to watch their parents fight every day, and that's what they wish for.
-
Not Explaining the Reasons for the Divorce to the Child
Don't hide it. Be honest with your children about why you are divorcing.
A child's perspective on the matter of parental divorce is different from that of either parent. It's relatively obvious to parents why their marriage couldn't go to the end, but children don't understand it that way --- they tend to blame themselves for their parents' divorce and carry that hidden guilt for a long time.
As one of the kids we interviewed, a girl, put it:
My greatest feelings during the saddest time after Mom and Dad's divorce were not anger, or injustice, or even helplessness --- but were deep, deep guilt. I was sorry that they didn't love each other enough to live together for my sake, and I was sorry that they had to be involved for the rest of their lives because of me when they finally had the chance to separate.
-
Forcing Children to Choose Between Their Parents
Who will you be with when mom and dad get divorced? This is a more than classic question.
Another girl did experience this ‘choice’ and described her story this way:
They were sitting on both sides of the table, and in the middle was an aunt they all knew. "She asked me, Who do you want to be with when Mom and Dad get divorced?"
Actually, I've wanted to be with my dad since I was a kid. But at that time, I kept my head down and didn't dare to answer. I didn't know if following him would be a drag on him; I didn't know if he wanted me or not; and I didn't know if my mom would be upset.
My dad sniffled and squatted down to look at me flatly, "Son, when will you be able to make up your own mind for yourself?"
I thought so hard and then told him, maybe when I become ten. At that time, I thought the hardest thing was just multiplication and division in the second grade, and the farthest future was just three years from now when I would be ten. I thought ten was pretty advanced for a human being, and that kids like me would always be seven and never make it to ten.
Then Dad said, well, then I'll wait until you're ten and you tell everyone yourself that you want to be with me.
The promise of being ten years old was like a magic spell that hung over me for the three years between the ages of seven and ten. Eating my mom's cooking and remembering the promise I made to my dad seemed like betrayal. I felt deeply sorry for my dad and my mom.
Guilty as I was, I finally reached the age of ten.
One day when the tutorial class was over, my dad and mom were standing side by side at the door, their faces blue. I had just reached the door when each of them grabbed an arm and pulled me out of the door like a prisoner, trying to shove me into their car. Then my mom couldn't help herself. She got away from me and went up to my dad, and outside my tuition organization my dad and mom were fighting in the street, with people all over the street watching. My dad fell on his knees, and with a face full of bruises from my mom's scratches, he knelt down and told me, ‘Son, dad is sorry for you. It was December, and the north wind was as cold as a knife. I wanted to pull my dad up, but I was too scared to move. My mother rushed up again and pulled my father, the spectators around were pointing fingers, some people even called the police. I was squeezed out of the crowd, looking at the road next to the traffic, and I suddenly realized that life will not let you have the ability to choose overnight because you are ten years old. I suddenly felt a huge sense of powerlessness pressing down from the top of my head.
I was ten years old and for the first time I wanted to run into traffic.
Forcing a child to choose between parents is always going to be crueler than you think, especially for pre-teens.
They are the most powerless of the group, dragging two bound arms while the knife and saw that cuts through their lives are shoved into their palms, playing executioner to their own original families.
No matter what the choice is, the child's heart will be buried deep in guilt from then on.
III. So What Can You Do to Try to Make the Divorce Less Damaging to Your Children?
-
Let Your Children See Less of the Arguments During Your Divorce.
Children will adjust better if they see less of their parents' arguments during the divorce process.
And, it is very helpful if parents can clearly describe to their children the reasons for the divorce and its following procedure, and do not avoid questions from their children.
-
Don't Badmouth the Other Parent to the Child.
Don't speak ill of the other parent in front of your children in search of approval after a divorce --- at any time.
Another girl whose parents divorced recalled that her mother made her join in bad-mouthing her father, something that still haunts her:
For many years, it was as if I had a dictionary with distorted meanings, where the synonym for "I love my mom" was "I hate my dad", and the synonym for "I want my mom to be happy" was "I don't want to see my dad". My mom had been hurt by my dad in her marriage and I was used as the chopping block to punish my dad. It was as if the eight-year-old me already had a thirty-six-year-old woman in a bad marriage living inside me. I hadn't even held a boy's hand at that point in my life, yet I had to chew over the discord in a failed marriage with my mom.
At the height of the affair, my mother forbade me to call my father "Dad". She said it was unnecessary to call him "Dad" when he wasn't responsible for supporting you anyway. When I was seriously ill and hospitalised in Grade 6 of primary school, my mother was with me when my father called the hospital. I was running a high fever at the time, and as I clipped the phone and carefully peered at her face, she locked her eyebrows and glared at me, telling me, "Call him uncle."
Maybe your marriage ended badly, and you and your former partner even turned against each other for the rest of your life, but children don't have a vendetta against everyone.
Speaking ill of the other person to your child is bound to put the other person in the middle of a dilemma. You should know that your ex-partner may not have been a good husband or wife to you, but he or she will always be a parent to your children, and your children love him or her as much as they love you.
-
Divorce Education for Children Going Through Parental Divorce.
Divorce education for children going through parental divorce is also very essential: both parents need to give adequate emotional support to the children and pay close attention to the children's behavioural abnormalities during this period; until the divorce process is completed, the family order needs to be observed and maintained by everyone together.
Other factors that can help the child to go through the divorce period smoothly include stable financial support and social support, such as the child's friends, classmates and teachers.
-
The Stability of At Least One Parent's Life After the Divorce Is Significant to the Child's Self-perception.
Stability of at least one parent after the divorce is essential for a minor child, and it is important to try to avoid involving the child in a volatile situation by reducing visitation when one parent is unstable.
One girl whose parents divorced and then remarried separately said she thought it was good that her parents divorced.
We'd like to end with her story, too:
The question I was most often asked after my parents separated was "Do you want mom and dad to get back together?" And I would always say no. They both rebuilt families very quickly, and I'm happy with my mom, a loving stepdad and the brother my stepdad brought over.
To say I have no regrets would be a lie. The rabbit doll my dad gave me in primary school has been with me for the four times when I moved house; I've written about him in almost every narrative essay since secondary school.
But my parents were each happy in their second marriages, and that's what I preferred: my parents are both able to love someone well and be loved than to have to let their marriage languish for the sake of their children when it clearly wasn't working out.
This is something that means a lot more to me. The marriage of parents is the exemplary for every child's understanding of love, and although my parents had a failed marriage, their subsequent stable life allowed me to really learn how to love and be loved as I grew up, and gave me the courage to be as fulfilled and happy as they were if I started a family in the future.
Yes, to make every family and every member happy is the most important thing.