I am the kind of girl who is suitable for marriage. I am gentle, filial, considerate, and have a good character.
But in fact, this is only in the surface. After falling in love, I often quarrel with my boyfriend, accusing, complaining, so hysterical that the heart fills with a stream of hostility ...... Since falling in love, these things are rubbing outward unstoppably. For more than twenty years, I have never been like this! Why is it that after I met my boyfriend, I brought out all my other sides?
I say he doesn't care about me and gives me what I don't want.
I said he just talks about loving me and never acts on it.
I said he doesn't plan our future.
I kept blaming my boyfriend ...... I keep on getting hysterical with him, I keep on showing my ‘psycho’ side, and I keep on fighting over the same above issues over and over again.
I thought it was all because of him that I became like this. Until I couldn't stand being a dissatisfied housewife any longer, I chose to break up.
I thought it would be good to break up, and I would be really relieved. However, I am afraid of the loneliness of being alone, the inner empty feeling when alone, and the cat scratches like feeling when alone. So, within five days, I will contact him, and then repeat the previous pattern of quarrel.
Until one day, I suddenly realised: I'm not in love, I'm looking for a father or a mother.
I accused my boyfriend of not understanding me and giving me what I didn't want. In fact, I was hoping that my boyfriend would love me the way I wanted.
When I was little, no matter what I wanted, a piece of chocolate, a bicycle, a leather ball, my mom would never satisfy me. As I grew up, I couldn't ride a bike at all, but loved it like crazy. Even if I bought it and left it there to look at, I was extremely happy.
When I was a child my mum didn't love me in the way I expected, I couldn't accuse her or ask her to do it. After I fall in love, I can ask my boyfriend to do so, and I can blame him. So once my boyfriend slightly failed to love me in the way I asked him to, I would go and accuse him of just paying lip service to loving me and never acting on it.
I accuse my boyfriend of not planning and mapping out our future. In fact, I am still making up for the regrets I had as a child.
From childhood to adulthood, my parents never planned anything, intended anything, let alone arranged anything for me. I was all alone. I decided what I wanted to do, which path I wanted to take and what kind of person I wanted to be. When I met my boyfriend, I was very much expecting him to take the initiative and plan for our future.
My boyfriend, on the other hand, didn't do that. In fact, he had plans and was ready to surprise me, while I was constantly blaming him. In a recent fight, my boyfriend asked me: why do other people's boyfriends do the same thing as he does, and their girlfriends don't have anything to complain about, but I have so much to say? When I thought about it later, wasn't what I was doing what I longed for my parents to do?
-
After I realised these problems, I imagined two situations:
The first imagination: imagine if I had a baby next to me, where would the baby be?
I saw the baby in my stomach with the umbilical cord connected to me. But I don't have any sense or connection with him. He is just him, just in my tummy. The top half of the baby is clearer, the bottom half is blurry.
The second imagination: Imagine I am a baby, held in my mother's arms.
I see my mother holding a baby, and she is simply holding the baby, without seeing any sensation or connection, or even seeing that she is holding the baby out of a sense of duty or obligation.
In both of these imaginations, I saw an independent baby with no sense or connection to the mother or to the outside world --- myself!
At that moment, it suddenly dawned on me that I was asking my boyfriend to love me in the same way as my parents, and that I was falling in love with him in the form of a baby.
I suddenly felt so sorry for my boyfriend, and felt very aggrieved for him, that he had endured what my parents should have endured, and what I expected from my parents. So I decided to apologise to him, ‘XX, I'm sorry. I just realised that I demanded you to love me in the way I expected you to, to have a plan, to map out our future, all because I didn't get satisfaction from my parents and passed it on to you. I understand that at one time you were helpless to me in all things. I am sorry, very sorry, please forgive me for making you suffer!’ After my boyfriend heard this, he said he needed to be alone and asked me to give him two days. After completing this apology ceremony, my heart finally got an unprecedented release.
I had turned eighteen and was an adult. Why do I have to go through the same patterns as when I was a child and demand so much from my partner? After all, it was just because I couldn't forgive my parents, and I was looking forward to fulfilling my childhood regrets.
-
And then I did this confession ritual inside:
Dad, I understand you, I can taste how hard it was for you, I forgive you for everything you did and said, in fact, you should have had a harder time than me! Mom, I forgive you, I forgive you for being estranged from me, I forgive you for not buying me things I want. Mom and Dad, I forgive you! I'm grown up now, I don't mind the love I didn't get when I was a kid anymore, I can love myself, I can plan the future for myself. I've released so much inside me that I can understand everything that's been done, and I'm no longer trying to make up for it.
I also forgive myself for not being able to tell my parents that I love them right now; and I'm not willing to say things like "please believe that I will tell my parents that I love them at some point in the future." Because, I don't care whether that day will come or not, and how soon will it come? Still less do I force myself that the day will surely come.
Then I understood that in that image I had imagined, the baby's umbilical cord was supposed to refer to the connection between me and my parents; the baby's clear upper half represented me now, the clear me; and the fuzzy lower half represented the place I had yet to reach. That umbilical cord should also be the reason why I suddenly felt a connection with my parents after I performed the confession ceremony. I'm sure there will come a day when I will see a baby with a complete, clear and a blue glow.
Finally, I would like to thank my boyfriend once again. This relationship with him has shown me what a crying baby looks like in a relationship, and it has given me an opportunity to grow up, and then, I have seized it.
