Like many couples in college, they broke up the year they graduated. The girl ran off to a new life without looking back, but he, but he was like a man overboard who won't come to shore, never came out of it after all these years.
"I always dream of her", he said, "I dream of us as we were in college. I'm riding my bike and she's sitting in the backseat, and it's a beautiful day, so beautiful as we'll have a long future ahead of us."
He was a good friend of mine. When I think about it later, there are no less such things in life. When a relationship breaks up, the one who initiated the breakup is no longer in love, or even has a new relationship, and in order to ease the atmosphere, he or she says something like "We can still be friends";
And the person who "was broken up" still linger on this relationship because he or she still loves the other person, naturally agreed to the "friends" identity, with a fluke of hope, continue this hopeless one-way sadistic love.
Sometimes, the thought of not forgetting may not be echoed.
This is because the orientation of the relationship is completely different at this point.
The person who initiated the breakup has immediately shifted roles from being a lover to a regular friend and has reprogrammed the relationship boundaries and rules that belong to a friend, for example:
We are no longer lovers and I have the freedom to choose who I want to date in the future;
We need to keep our distance and not be together alone;
There is no need to be in constant contact;
The other person, on the other hand, clearly harbours fantasies of being a lover while agreeing to be friends and engages in a range of behaviours that do not fit with the other person's boundaries:
I. Desire to Know Everything about Him or Her and Fight to Get Closer
The being broken-up partner is usually still accustomed to the old relationship patterns:
The desire to know the other person's whereabouts on a daily basis;
The habit of saying "good night" before going to bed;
They want to talk to each other on the phone when they have nothing to do;
When you go shopping, you will want to buy a gift for each other.
At this time, the other person will feel very uncomfortable: "Aren't we agreed to be friends? We have broken up, and this is very inappropriate!"
So they start to hide, start to reject and even lose their temper. And the more this happens, the more the being broken up party can't help thinking about these questions:
"Where is he or she going these days?"
"What is he or she doing today?"
"Who is he or she with?"
"Who is this person in his or her Moments?"
They may even try to create opportunities to get closer, stopping the other person on the street and begging, "Let's sit down and talk again, can we? I want to talk to you."
II. Getting Caught up in Fantasies and Expectations of Possibility
People who have been broken up with will unconsciously fall into the fantasy of reconciliation, and even hope that the other person is not doing well, and then return to them.
They may hear from various sources that his or her new relationship has recently broken up, and they may feel happy about it.
"If they break up, will he or she pick me?"
"Is it possible for him or her to come back to me one day if I try to be nicer?"
III. Numbness of Self-perception
Worst of all, they may have lost sight of life in front of them. The people who left them took their interest in life with them.
There can't be anyone else's in life that makes them interested, and they don't want to pay attention to things that have nothing to do with that person. They even begin to fail to sense the rejection and indifference of the other person, choosing to suppress their sadness when they see that the other person has already begun another sweet and happy relationship.
"As long as I still love you, it doesn't matter if you love me or not".
At this time, the expectations of the relationship between the two sides are unequal, and the person who was broken up with still love each other deeply, have to make themselves very humble, in the unequal relationship to continue to give and condescend to themselves.
This kind of pain lies in knowing that the other person does not love themselves, but they can not let go.
Recently, there is a friend who is at this stage, feeling unbearably painful. She came to ask me: "How can I get out? Knowing that he already does not love me, I still, so stubbornly, can not forget him?"
In a normal love relationship, the two sides' need for love is mutual, everyone gives love, at the same time, is also eager to get back, but in this case, people are willing to compromise, why?
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Lack of Self-worth
I'm afraid this is the crux of most relationship problems, as their sense of value is built entirely on one relationship.
At this time, people will be willingly attached to another person to survive, and regardless of whether the other person cares about themselves, as long as they indulge in the feelings of their own, they will be more comfortable. If there is no attachment, they instead do not feel the significance of living.
We can call this phenomenon "dragging", which appears to be a selfless love, but in fact, it is because of the self-worth based on being dragged down, and the fear of losing oneself after completely leaving the relationship. Interestingly, the opposite of drag is not independence, but mutual support.
When the possibility of interdependence in a relationship no longer exists, one-sided love will ultimately be the downfall of both parties.
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Unrealistic Expectations
It is common for such people to have the expectation that "as long as I still love you enough, you will know it one day", or even think that he or she will be able to come back to them when the other person's next relationship ends.
IV. To Those Who Do Not Want to Go Ashore
The friend I mentioned at the beginning of this article asks me after every time she talks about her feelings with me, "What should I do?" Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do from outside the box but be there and listen. But perhaps the following studies can make those who are in pain feel a little better:
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The Pain Won't Last That Long
People tend to overestimate the pain that follows a breakup and how long that pain lasts. However, some studies have found that the real pain that people suffer after a breakup is far less deep and longer than they once thought (Eastwick et al., 2008).
Maybe pain is the inevitable path, but the good news is that you won't be in pain for that long. It will dry up the bitter sea of lost love much sooner than we think it will.
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He or She Is Not as Degage as You Think
Whether for the better or for the worse, love often shapes and changes both sides in a relationship at the same time, and breakups tend to be hurtful and costly for both parties together, and don't cost less just because whoever initiates the breakup first (Mattingly, Lewandowski, & Mcintyre, 2014).
For the person who is broken up with, the willingness to let go of a relationship is not only a fulfilment of the other person, but also a fulfilment of oneself; and all the good memories of the past and the growth in the relationship are shared by both parties.
So don't feel "loss", don't feel "wasted", in this relationship who get a lot, who pay a lot.
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Affirming Him or Her Is More Beneficial to Oneself than Belittling Him or Her.
Many studies have generally found that recalling the good memories of past relationships increases the current sense of well-being and helps to recover from pain.
It is also interesting to note that we do the most damage to ourselves when we outwardly disparage our ex while inwardly harbouring good things about him or her, whereas if we are willing to acknowledge and affirm the good things about our ex, it can instead help to buffer depression and hurt (Imhoff & Banse, 2011).
The people who shared the river of love left, and the river of love became the sea of bitterness. Perhaps everyone in the sea of bitterness has to go through such a period of unwillingness to go ashore, but on the shore, there will be someone waiting for you to go ashore, accompanying you to continue to move forward.
"After breaking up, I still want you to miss me."
"But you didn't return as expected, and that's what parting is all about."
