"Marriage is a fortress besieged; those outside the fortress want to get in, those in the fortress want to get out."
---Fortress Besieged
From childhood to adulthood, we have all heard many fairy tales about love. When we were young, love was about a prince and a princess living happily; when we grew up, we realised that love was about firewood, rice, oil, salt and trifles after the fairy tale ended.
As love grows stronger, the thing about marriage will surface.
One day, when you wake up next to your partner, the thought that enters your head for a split second might be: is this person meant for me?
What kind of love is worth developing into a marriage?
Many researchers have a theory of "measuring" love, such as the Passionate Love Scale developed by Hatfield and her colleague Susan Spilcher; the Love Attitudes Scale developed by Hendrick based on John Allen Lee's love style; and Keith Davis' the Relationship Rating Form (Shaver & Hazan, 1987).
If you are interested in these scales, you can search for them and test them yourself. Today we would like to recommend a set of judgements from Dr. Jeremy Sherman, an American philosopher of biology and social science researcher:
Here are 6 tips that may assist you to make a better decision on whether to get married or not.
I. The More You Are about to Get Married, the More Likely You Are to Be Suspicious of Each Other
When you are making marriage decisions, caution will collide with more suspicion.
Most people can't help but substitute each other into the stories they've heard about marriages that ended badly, suspecting each other of being dishonest, paranoid, control freaks, narcissistic, clingy, and domestically abusive. ...... Of course, all of these faults you suspect in your partner could be true, but that's not the point.
If you are unknowingly caught up in anxiety and tension, you may keep blaming each other and convincing yourselves that the other person isn't suitable for marriage.
But in reality, it is the big decision you are about to make, not the other person, that is really triggering your anxiety.
II. Fighting Is Bad, But Not Fighting Is Worse
Partners who want to go into marriage need to learn how to fight scientifically and minimise the damage it does. Before you put a ring on each other's finger, you can focus on the process of your fights.
If you and your partner still don't reject the decision to get married after a fight, it means that you both know how to control fights.
Controlling a fight means that you don't want to be "drama queens" or turn it into a world war, you just want to set the record straight. Through this process, you can also get a clearer picture of what compromises and changes you will need to make when you actually get married.
III. I'm Going to Put Everything I Have Into It, Then Decide If I'm Willing to Do That for the Rest of My Life.
Love is like shopping. People want to try it before they buy it, but marriage is not a "trial".
But you can try to put all your efforts into the relationship first, and then decide whether the result is what you really want. When you sacrifice for your partner, observe whether the other person will reciprocate, or feel comfortable asking for more, or even push his or her luck?
If you find that the he or she isn't as happy to give as you thought they would be, and doesn't value what you give, then it's better to leave as soon you can. But remember a premise, that is, you must be genuinely invested in this trial, so that you can understand your truest feelings.
IV. Learn to Be Smart to Preserve Your Self-esteem
The romance of a relationship lies in that you can be completely yourself and love like crazy; but a marriage relationship is a little less dreamy and a little more realistic.
You can't be yourself willy-nilly anymore. You have to learn to control your temper and make some space for the other person. This means that you may often need to make compromises.
Reluctant compromises both depress you and may hurt your partner. But when you hold back your temper and sincerely bow down to your partner, don't forget to give yourself some comfort and encouragement. This is exactly the wise way for you to resolve disputes that preserve each other's self-esteem. At the same time, your partner's reaction to your compromise will be a reference to whether or not he or she passes the test.
V. Ignore the So-called "Moral Constraints"
Whilst traditional culture may see marriage as a natural stage that occurs after a certain stage of human development, but in fact, in recent years, marriage has become more and more recognised as a lifestyle choice. No one is dictating that you have to get married.
If you choose to marry, then you are naturally bound by morality and the promise of marriage; but traditional morality does not force you to marry. But if you choose to get married just for the sake of "morality", then you are being irresponsible to your partner, and that is the real "immorality".
Similarly, in an argument, you may be morally abducted by the other person, who accuses you of being selfish and insincere. "Morality" is all around us all the time, but it's the attitude towards it that counts. When your partner starts making accusations against you, it may be evidence that you are not suited to the lifestyle of marriage.
Please don't take this unsuitability as a flaw in your character. It may just prove that you enjoy being alone more. So why waste your life trying to fulfil meaningless "moral constraints" by getting married?
VI. Finding Your Own "Master Key"
When making big decisions, we subconsciously have thoughts of retreat. "I can't choose this, what if I choose the wrong one?" "I can't get married, what if I lose my personal space?" Every "what if" like this scares the hell out of us and makes us want to back out every minute.
When you feel these beliefs, instead of letting them remain just primary thoughts, keep thinking along the lines of this worry: "What if those what-ifs happened?"
In this kind of thinking exercise, you can gradually find your own "master key", i.e., a reasonable explanation or solution to a possible problem that you can accept. The "master key" opens every door locked by fear and supports all your choices with conviction.
Whether or not we decide to walk down the palace of marriage, that decision carries with it our hopes for the best in our lives as long as we don't forget the most important thing: choosing what you really want, and accepting what you choose.
As Wilde once said, "Love of self is the beginning of a lifelong romance."
May every love in the world that is filled with promise come to fruition, and may every soul that longs for love get what it wants.
