Among the visitors who come for couples counselling because of an affair, basically the injured side will say, "After so many years of relationship, I trusted him so much. I trusted that he would definitely not do anything to betray me, and because he was busy, I would even think for him and be considerate of him, and guess what? He was with someone else for so long and still was found out by me."
The pain is not just because the betraying partner betrayed the other partner, but "you didn't see how good I was when I was sacrificing for you, and not only did you not care about what I was sacrificing for, you fell in love with someone else."
This pain also carries the denial of the injured party in the relationship. Because of this total denial, the injured person is angry on the one hand, and on the other hand, he or she goes into a mood of self-denial.
"Why did something like an affair happen in our relationship, what did I fail to do right?" This question is one that the injured person has been asking him or herself as well as the other person.
Today I want to explore affairs and why things like affairs happen in relationships.
An affair is painful and should not exist.
An affair can very simply destroy a relationship that has been built up over one or two decades. Affairs are also the number one factor that leads to divorce.
In Chinese culture, an affair is a shameful thing that people are reluctant to talk about, and we seldom really understand the nature of an affair. But this shameful thing is a very common thing.
More than 80% of my couples counselling sessions are for affairs. Of course, there are different forms of affairs, some because of physical cheating (sex), some because of purely emotional cheating (feelings for a third party), regardless of the form of the affair, the person who is being cheated on is very hurt, and both sides are very painful.
The side having the affair knows they shouldn't do it, so why does it happen anyway. There are many reasons why affairs happen, and I would like to answer the question for the affair victim in denial by saying that what you want to know about why there is a third party in our relationship may not have anything to do with you.
Maybe it has something to do with your relationship, so that's not your problem alone, and another situation could be that your partner is experiencing difficulties of their own that they don't know how to resolve, and it has nothing to do with you.
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Something Is Wrong with Our Relationship.
Because there is a lack of emotional connection in the relationship, this is one of the most common forms of an affair.
Because of mutual unhappiness in the relationship, emotional support is found by way of an affair.
For some people, especially those who want emotional connection in their relationship, their affair partner is often available to provide emotional support and emotional connection.
The affair partner gives the cheating partner emotional support that really is missing in their own marriage.
For those who are insecure and more anxious in their relationships, it is likely for them to find a third party to give them some comfort and reassurance when their relationship is not smooth.
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Why One of the Partners Still Cheated In a Happy Marriage.
I remember a Simple Minds Q&A where a guy in his 50s once asked, "I love my wife very much, and my family is happy, but I found that I'm in love with someone else."
It's a very real thing, and a percentage of people who cheat have nothing to do with their partner but more to do with themselves. If the relationship is good, then what needs to be explored is "what did the affair fulfil for me?"
Some people simply don't want to separate from their loved one or destroy their family, but the affair gives them something that he or she is looking for.
Some people say "Home gives me stability, which I need, but my affair gives me excitement and a sense of adventure." The affair may be with someone who is the complete opposite of their present partner and just wants to fulfil that kind of excitement. The affair itself is thrill and adventure.
The next question is "Why is this need (excitement) so important to you now that you are willing to take such a big risk to get it."
Many people will say, "I've always been a good boy/girl, always listened to others to do the right thing, and I found something in the affair that appealed to me: he or she dared to be himself/herself and to rebel."
An affair offers the affair partner a chance to discover that hidden self.
Adventure and excitement are life-giving in themselves. It's just that finding that hidden self by way of an affair hurts the other person and their feelings, and that's too great a price to pay.
So when I do counselling, I tend to encourage partners and couples to find excitement in their own marriages, to explore that hidden self together, and to release it in the relationship, for example by using ROLE PLAY in sex.
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Sexual Disharmony
A part of people will also go to a third party due to the sexual disharmony between the two people. This third party, more often than not, is emotionally unavailable, and a large part of them are sex workers. A very large proportion of those who have an affair here are men. Some girls will wonder, "Why doesn't he have sex with me instead of going to someone else."
It's because this group of people is afraid of a too deep emotional connection, and having sex with their loved one is too stressful, so they avoid their loved one. But with someone they don't know, they would be better off daring to try sex because they are not required to take care of that third party on an emotional level.
He can try how he wants to have sex without worrying that the other person will reject it. These people are emotionally avoidant and afraid of getting too close to their partner.
Each type of affair that occurs is mostly fulfilling a need, which can be on an emotional level, or it can be an exploration of the self, or it can be fulfilling one's sexual needs and fear of getting too close to one's partner.
If you have had an affair, I would encourage you to think about what your affair is fulfilling for you.
If you encounter an affair in your relationship, I'm sorry it happened to you. I know how much it hurts. Many would argue that time heals that pain, and indeed your pain will be much better over time.
In the relationships of the couples I counselled, I found that if you don't go about repairing the damage and trust issues caused by the affair, this can actually leave scars in your heart, reminding you to be careful. Your relationship will also not be 100% safe because of this.
The issue of affairs is often beyond the level that couples and partners can resolve on their own, if you want to repair the damage that an affair has done to you and want your relationship to still be going well, I would truly recommend that you find a good couples counsellor, it will make you a lot less painful and a lot better for your relationship.
I hope you can take care of your emotions and find ways to help your relationship.
