Most of my counselling clients are women, and recently more and more women have been coming to me for counselling on "unmarried anxiety" and "fear of marriage". I would like to tell a story, which may be a typical urban "unmarried woman" of the bumpy journey to find love.
I. Is Brother-sister Relationship Reliable?
Xiaolin is experiencing a painful and entangled brother-sister relationship, and has come to the fork in the road of "either get married or break up". The days of indecision and anxiety have made her lose a whole circle of weight.
Her 34-year-old face, originally well-maintained skin, suddenly appeared visible wrinkles. She said it was as if she had recently become 10 years older all of a sudden, and her heart could no longer feel the smoothness of youth.
Xiaolin and her boyfriend, who is seven years younger, have been dating for a year, and neither of them has openly told their parents, friends or relatives about their relationship, which has been talked about as if it were an underground affair.
She was fed up with the feeling of dating in secret and wanted to make the relationship public, but she felt a deep mistrust of the age difference between them and would only want to wait until the other side of the clear attitude before she admitted to the relationship.
The other person is someone who "hasn't had enough" --- not recognising the relationship as boyfriend/girlfriend, but constantly releasing mixed signals like "I love you", "I need you".
"He said today that I'm the woman he's going to guard for the rest of his life, and tomorrow he said that his family is going to introduce someone to him and asked me what my opinion was." Xiaolin made up her mind several times. "He's even wavering like this? We can either bring up the matter of marriage or simply break up cleanly!"
She changed her mind and said, "I'll be 35 in 3 months, pretending that it doesn't matter, but actually I'm panicking in my heart." She worries that she's getting older, and if she misses out on this man, she doesn't know if she'll ever meet her Mr. Right again.
II. He Doesn't Love Me Enough?
Looking back at the previous relationship history when she was in graduate school, Xiaolin had a boyfriend, and the two of them were in a serious relationship with the intention getting married when graduate.
Although her boyfriend was considerate and caring in all aspects, she always felt that he didn't pay enough attention to her and didn't love her enough, and she always needed him to give thought to prove his love for her.
Until the stage of marriage, the man's family does not agree with the bride price and banquet conditions proposed by the woman's family. Her boyfriend and she were caught in the middle and were very distressed. Her boyfriend did not come forward to take the initiative to coordinate the situation, so she felt that her boyfriend still doesn't love her enough, and that he does not agree with her family's conditions proves that he doesn't love her enough. On both sides' stalemate, the relationship ends up with nothing definite.
At that time, Xiaolin was confident that missing someone who "didn't love her enough" was no big deal, and that she would eventually meet her true love.
She had a few sporadic relationships after that, both heartfelt and kidney-focused, but most of them ended in vain.
For two years, she couldn't be interested in any man until she met her current boyfriend, who made her feel both the heartbreaking and sweet haze of love at the same time, but who didn't dare to take the initiative to make clear the relationship and allow it to develop further.
"Having been in several relationships that are muddled up, it's like I never really grew up." Xiaolin sighed heavily and then slipped into the abyss of depression.
In the midst of an intimate relationship, due to a deep inner lack of self-confidence, she dared not express her thoughts about the relationship, and could only wait for someone else to give her the sense of stability she wanted, but such love was yet to come.
Hu Yinmeng said, "Love and neurotic self-consciousness cannot co-exist. Love can only appear when one lets the ego fall away by forgetting oneself and recognising the truth within."
III. What Determines Is There a Future for Your Intimate Relationship?
In my emotional counselling work, I come across a lot of women who are filled with anxiety and fear when they ask if their relationship has a future. They say, "I'm worried that I've given too much without a corresponding return; I'm worried that I've wasted my youth and ended up becoming an older single woman if we are not together; I'm afraid that I'll go round and round and still end up not being able to find a suitable marriage partner.
This sense of uncertainty about the unknown and of uncontrollability about the future, from time to time ruffled the fragile nerves, so that some women in intimate relationships suffer.
How can you tell if a relationship has a future? The real answer lies not elsewhere, not in what the other person does, nor in the other person's attitude, but in the bottom of your heart: when you are quiet, ask yourself, listen to your own voice, are you willing to trust each other? Do you have faith in this relationship?
This inner trust is not dependent on how much the other person did to prove that he loves you, but on what your heart determines to be true. Even if the other person is doing a good job and you internally believe that it is not enough, then you will still feel that he does not love you.
Inner trust is a key factor in determining the future of a relationship.
Inner trust is an insurance policy when the relationship encounters a crisis; even if the relationship suffers a severe blow, there is still room for the relationship to repair itself naturally as long as the inner trust is strong and stable enough.
Inner trust is also the sustenance for the relationship to develop, allowing each other to stretch out in the relationship, and for each person to develop themselves without being tied down.
IV. How to Rebuild "Inner Trust"?
Where does inner trust come from?
When a person's personality is more mature and complete, their trust in the relationship will be more stable, and they will be less likely to change their views on the relationship for some things, and to break up with the other person just because they don't meet their own inner "love standards". People who have a strong sense of inner trust have been nourished by early parent-child relationships and have developed a trusting heart.
For those who have a weaker sense of inner trust, it is partly because they did not receive enough care and love in their early parent-child relationship; and also partly because they have not yet healed the wounds from their past relationship.
Early experiences have left them feeling dissatisfied with themselves, so it is difficult for them to feel satisfied with a relationship and to build a solid sense of security in the relationship.
Wounds gained in a relationship are all possible to be healed in the relationship.
What are the aspects that affect the rebuilding of "inner trust"?
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Learn to Love Yourself Before You Learn to Love Others.
Many people take it for granted that when the other person shows enough love for them, then they will feel safe enough in the relationship, and they will be able to trust them and the relationship.
This is actually the idea of putting the cart before the horse.
It is because you have enough trust within you that when you enter a relationship, you feel safe and you can have trust in the other person. Not the other way round. Waiting for the other person to satisfy you and take care of you is like a baby's need for its mother, which is hard to do in the adult world.
Fromm says in Art of Love, "Every attempt to love will fail if one does not endeavour to develop one's whole personality."
Therefore, are you banking on what the other person does?
Or are you counting on yourself to take the initiative to grow in the relationship. The decision between the two will determine whether you can build a truly solid sense of inner trust and how you face the challenges of the relationship, affecting its future. Only when you grow up yourself first and learn to love yourself will you know how to love the other person. So for those who carry the imprint of their original family, to get comfortable in a relationship, they first have to grow themselves, because no one can bypass themselves and directly experience fulfilment and recognition in a relationship. There are two ways to self-growth. One is self-study for self-help, and the other is to seek professional psychological counselling to re-experience a healthy relationship in a consultative relationship in order to rectify the insecure inner feelings about the relationship and slowly build a solid sense of trust. This process is like re-nurturing yourself in the "mother-baby relationship" that you have created.
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The Ability to Care for Oneself Is Critical When a Relationship Has Been Damaged
If the relationship has suffered severe damage, such as cheating, betrayal, deception, violence, etc., are you still willing to trust each other? Do you believe you can work together to overcome the current situation? Do you have more fear than confidence in the future of the relationship?
Individuals lose trust in a relationship more or less briefly when the inherent roots of trust in a relationship are profoundly shaken.
The key to the future of a relationship is to rebuild inner trust, and the ability to "take care of oneself" is especially important in that rebuilding process.
The ability of self-care refers to the ability to take your focus away from the other person and focus on yourself, how to recover from the hurt, and how to make more sensible choices about what to do next when you are hurt in a relationship.
When you only focus on how to change the other person and how to make the other person come back to you, the relationship is still working in the old mode. It is when you shift your focus back to yourself and stop looking at the relationship through your own eyes that new opportunities for the relationship emerge.
This is why the ability to take care of yourself is the last line of hope to get you out of a difficult relationship.
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Do What Your Heart Really Approves of
In our society and culture, there are various gender roles required of both men and women. For women, being a good mother means knowing how to raise children, being a good wife means knowing how to run a household, being a good woman means knowing how to take care of your face and body, and being a good employee means knowing how to plan your work.
Yet we all need to think first. Why do we live? We are not just good mothers, good wives, good women, good employees, we are ourselves.
So it's important to recognise whether we're doing something in pursuit of perfection in a certain role, or whether we're doing it from our heart?
This will lead to a difference in a fundamental sense. Some people don't know what they really want in their hearts, they're just wrapped up in the demands of the role to do it, so they do it. For example, if a woman caters to her husband in order to be a good wife, if she is happy when the other person is happy, and if she condemns herself when there is a slight conflict in the relationship, this kind of inner trust in the relationship is empty, and can easily be shaken.
Recognising what is really going on inside our heart requires a clear sense of self. Anything we do will affect how we feel about ourselves.
If we keep doing what we truly recognise, we will become more and more confident and like ourselves. There will be more freedom of choice, and a fuller sense of inner trust, both in the realm of life and intimacy.
