III. Security Is about Loving Others as Well as Yourself
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Knowing What You "Want" Is the Only Way to Have What You Want.
When we are immersed in emotions of anger or anxiety, or when we "abuse", push away or reject the other person, we are not aware of the psychological needs behind our emotions and behaviours.
Perhaps, the next time you are in a similar situation, you could try to reflect on it:
Why do you have these emotions and why do you want to push him or her away? Go and see what psychological needs are behind these behaviours of yours? What are you afraid of? What do you crave?
Try to detach yourself from your emotions and think about what "I desire" and what "I want" instead of what "I don't want".
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Sincerely Express Your Inner Needs
When we were babies, we didn't know how to express ourselves verbally, so we cried to express our needs.
However, when we grow up, we need to use words to express our needs. Especially after you are aware of the psychological needs behind your emotions and behaviours, you can be sincere in communicating with the other person.
You can try using sentences like this:
I (do this) because I feel (some inner feeling or emotion) and I want to (express a longing or desire).
For example: I smashed the cup because I felt ignored by you, I felt bad, and I wanted you to focus on our conversation when you're with me, instead of playing on your phone with your head down.
Express your inner needs instead of blaming and attacking the other person.
The good thing about this is that you give the other person a chance to understand you, and only then can you agree to understand each other better and improve your relationship without you falling into doubt and denial about your relationship alone.
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Good Love Is Built on the Basis of Love Yourself
When you do not believe that your partner will accept the imperfect you, in fact, it is you who do not accept the imperfect yourself. You always know that you are not good enough and not perfect enough, so you do not deserve to be loved. But these actually have nothing to do with whether you are good or not and perfect or not.
The essence is that you do not like yourself.
Good love is first and foremost based on loving yourself. Only by loving ourselves first can we love others and feel loved by them.
So, although self-acceptance is really hard to fully realise, it is still a subject that we, in this life, need to keep practising.
When you really learn how to love yourself, really feel that you are worthy of being loved, you will not be so anxious, will not "withdraw the hand that longs to touch", but will be brave enough to reach out and give the other person a warm hug.