"My boyfriend says he loves me, but I don't feel his affection"
"When I try to discuss a very formal issue with my wife, she often becomes inexplicably frustrated and confused."
"We have a good relationship and everything is going well, but something particularly important seems to be missing"
In the counselling room, we often hear complaints as the above.
More often than not (but not absolutely), these complaints come from the group of people who have suffered from emotional neglect in their childhood from their partner - who may be a male or female couple at that time, or a married husband or wife. That is: Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN).
CEN stems from a person's childhood. Unlike praise, abuse or trauma, it is an affective element difficult to see or remember. It is invisible, and it represents a failure on the part of parents responding to the child's emotional needs. During this period, parents send a sensitive and powerful message to their children:
Your feelings don't matter.
Children who grow up in this type of family environment are often used to "isolating" their true feelings to prevent them from bothering their parents. Their emotions being "suppresed" for so long, these children fail to acquire an important skill: the ability to define, understand, tolerate, or express their feelings.
If your partner has experienced CEN, it is likely that he or she will lack the ability to tolerate conflict, express needs, and be unlikely to develop a deeper emotional connection with you. No matter how much you love each other, you can feel the deep chasm between the two of you.
No matter how long you have been together, you can feel an indefinable loneliness.
Individuals who have experienced CEN often exhibit the following:
They always seem to misread his or her emotions. For example, they say "I'm not angry" when they are clearly angry. They say "I'm happy" when clearly unhappy.
They also often misread your emotions, the child's emotions, or other people's emotions; they have poor vocabulary for describing his or her feelings;
They can't tolerate a conversation marked by conflict, argument, and upset; and often seem irritable for some unapparent reasons;
In the face of your complaints or certain unhappiness, they constantly emphasise that they are happy and joyful in the relationship; they never seems to realise that there is some key element missing from your relationship (emotional connection);
The good news is that people who have suffered from CEN can be changed and "cured".
Firstly, you need to learn as much as you can about CEN. Once you feel that you have a better understanding of CEN, you can tell your partner why you are often unhappy in the relationship. You need to do your best to explain to your partner what CEN is, why it affects a loving family/relationship like yours, and why it's not a single person's fault.
Secondly, ask your partner to learn about CEN, tell them how important it is to you, how much you love them, and how you want them to seriously deal with it and pay attention to it. Generally, people who have suffered from CEN are more sympathetic to the real suffering of others, so you don't have to hide your request. Let they see that you are suffering due to this distress, but not in a way that blames, accuses, or challenges them. Express your feelings and needs honestly and openly, but be sure to remain empathetic at this point, as you recognise that these demands are actually very difficult for him.
Then, when your beloved one begins to try to understand CEN, be sure to express your gratitude to him. There will be a wide range of reactions as he begins to deal with the invisible "trauma" of the past. During this process, you need to be openly and positively communicating with your partner.
Finally, study with your partner, read specialised books on how to deal with CEN in intimate relationships, and acquire more practical skills. This will help deepen your relationship and teach you more and better ways to communicate.
In addition, when you are facing and dealing with these issues together, if you encounter more difficulties, you can also try to find a family therapist. Professional counsellors know more about CEN and are well versed in the various techniques used to deal with problems in the family. With the help of a professional, you will be better able to deal with these issues.
It is important to remember that your partner may be just as confused as you are about what is going wrong. When you try to deal with these issues with your partner, you are "inviting" his or her emotions into your relationship and changing those painful messages that your partner received in childhood. At the moment, you are replacing them with your own message.
This message is filled with love, healing and connection.
The message is:
Honey, your feelings matter to me.