A South Korean actress was recently found dead in her home, having suffered from severe domestic abuse and depression, followed by a domestic beauty blogger, Yuya, who has also suffered from domestic abuse.
Maybe you don't know either of them, but that's okay. They are just synonymous with ordinary women who are suffering from domestic violence. In the article "You won't be an exception, and he won't repent | Love Stockholm" that we shared not long ago, we gave a detailed introduction to the Stockholm phenomenon manifested by female victims of domestic violence.
In today's post, we would like to talk to you about a more insidious form of emotional violence, compared to domestic violence, in intimate relationships, "mental abuse".
Many people have experienced this kind of intimate relationship:
two people do not have violent quarrels, neither physical conflict, in the eyes of outsiders, they often show love, flirt with each other, and are considered "happy and fulfilled". But privately, one side in the intimate relationship always complains that his or her emotional life is very tired and very hard. In them, there seems to be some kind of invisible violence, from one party to the other, only those who are in it can know how painful it is.
I. What Is Mental Abuse?
Mental abuse is a form of indirect violence that is more imperceptible than direct violence, but is also more common. In love, it often manifests itself in disrespect for a partner, lying or simply manipulative behaviour.
The abuser may not seem to be abusive, but the words and acts will reveal clear signs of abuse, such as verbal attacks, humiliation, sarcasm and derogation.
Mental abuse is also often so subtle and unnoticeable that bystanders may easily misinterpret it as a so-called "intimate interaction" or "flirting" between the two.
For example, some people will joke that their girlfriends are not sexy enough to be attractive when at parties with friends; or ridicule their partner's privacy and living habits in public, saying that he or she is dirty and lazy at home; or chronically speak low of the other side's work ability, and will not give comfort to their partners when they are frustrated with their work, but instead repeatedly tell him or her that "you just can't do it right. ", as if they are putting forward the "pertinent suggestions" for the good of their partner; or often display a bad mood, only willing to be happy in the case of the other side "obey unconditionally" to them.
II. Characteristics of the Abuser and the Abused in Mental Abuse
In intimate relationships, abusers actually convey the "I don't love you that much" signal in various ways, but never say so explicitly. They are always trying to suppress the other person in order to consolidate their own dominance.
Abusers of emotional abuse are often narcissistic, arrogant, irresponsible and paranoid. They always target at the exposed weaknesses of the abused person to strike them, hoping to control the other person in this roundabout way.
Meanwhile, victims of mental abuse seldom have a "victim consciousness". The ideal abused person is sensitive, kind, and self-blaming. They will always defend the one who inflicted harm, always discover problems from themselves, and find excuses for the abuser. They are either a "silent partner" or an "accomplice" in the abuse, and in general, they are a poor little victim.
When the partner sarcastically talked about his or her appearance and figure, he or she will only think that it is because he or she is not charming enough, the other party will say so, and they should become more charming; when the partner disparages his or her own work ability, he or she will often be self-doubted: am I really not good at these things, maybe I should not do it anymore; when the partner is around, he or she will also be more anxious, and even more unable to concentrate on his or her own work, which in fact he or she has long been skilled; when the partner is always indifferent to respond to all the interactive information, he or she will feel guilty and think: am I doing something wrong and why does not the partner respond to me ......
III. Recognising Two Tactics of Abusers
In clinical case studies in psychology, abusers often use two tactics: "seduction" and "control".
Seduction: In the early stage of an intimate relationship, out of "narcissism", the abuser of mental abuse will constantly show the other person a positive image of himself or reveal some kind of harm he has suffered, so that the other person will be obsessed with the positive image of him or hre and become protective, making himself or herself the only one the other person obsess with, and "idealised". In the following time together, the abuser may probably influence, interfere, and manipulate the other person in all kinds of ways, so that the other person's self-confidence is diminished and objective judgement is lost.
Control: In this stage, the abuser has become the dominator of the relationship, and the abused has lost the initiative. The abuser will try to control the abused through blackmail and only when the abused is "obedient" will the abuser feel better.
When the abused gets used to this pattern, he or she will always think, "If only I am more obedient, if I treat him or her better, he or she will cherish me." Ah, it's just so sad.
IV. Abuser's "Communication"
In a mentally abusive relationship, in order to firmly control the abused and seize the initiative in the intimate relationship, the abuser will often create an illusion of communication.
"You're overthinking this," "I'm not targeting you," "I'm just in a bad mood," "Don't make a big deal out of it ", "We're talking about problems that don't even exist."
In order to keep the abused out of the process of victimisation, the abuser will often prevent meaningful communication between the two sides. After whitewashing and hiding, the abuser can communicate non-verbally or by implications, causing pain to the abused.
Refusal to direct communication: whenever the abused tries to address problems in their relationship or point out the harm done by the abuser, the abuser will often refuse to engage in dialogue or assumes that what the abused is saying is not true.
Indifference: using a cold, monotonous tone of voice.
Lies: distortion of facts.
Sarcasm, ridicule, contempt: sarcastically making fun of the other person's innocuous or even more intimate weaknesses in any private or public setting. Sometimes the abuser will also take the initiative to create weaknesses for the abused. For example, a husband may make fun of his wife's appearance, but it is very likely that she is a very beautiful woman in the eyes of others.
Inconsistency between words and deeds: The abuser may immediately state that he has no intention of targeting the abused when he just did something that seems hurtful to the abused; he may close the door with force or smash things to make the other person feel tense and hostile, then he will deny that he did it on purpose. The abuser's aim is to confuse and create unease to trap the abused in conflicting emotions and feelings.
Negative characterisation: emphasising the other person's worthlessness.
Powerful behaviour: raising unreasonable and humiliating demands in intimate relationships, abusing "power" as a partner.
Einstein did this kind of abusive crap. Because he couldn't stand his wife, Mileva Maric, and didn't want to break up with her, he once laid down some harsh and insulting rules for living together:
A. You should be responsible for:
1. keeping my underwear and bedclothes clean and tidy.
2. preparing three meals a day for me at the office.
3. ensuring that my bedroom and office are always tidy and that my desk is not touched by anyone but me.
B. You must sever all personal relations with me except those necessary to maintain a superficial peace.
In particular, you can not ask:
1. that I sit with you at home,
2. that I go on a trip with you.
C. You should explicitly promise the following:
1. that you will not expect any love from me, and that you will not blame me for it.
2. that you should answer me immediately when I speak to you.
3. that you should leave my room and office immediately and without disagreement when I ask you to do so.
4. that you promise not to derogate me by word or deed in the presence of our children.
Friends, isn't this an unequal treaty? Are we back to the Qing Dynasty?
So, if you often experience "mental abuse" in your relationship and often take on the role of the "abused", then it's time to get out of this state and let yourself be happier!
