The first words out of everyone's mouth, in every street and alley, are: "How old are you? Are you married? Are your kids in school?"
"How come you're still alone at this age?"
"Should I become a dog?"
"Did your mum force you to get married?"
"Who are you swearing at?"
It may seem like a joke, but it hits the unspeakable pain of many unmarried people who felt the pressure to consider marriage.
I. Stressors of Unmarried People
►Sources of stress faced by unmarried people
>Parents. Some parents force their children to go on blind dates, and the biggest source of pressure for many unmarried people is their parents. One interviewee once said, ‘It was 2012 when I was 23 years old and for the first time I felt the pressure to consider marriage because my mum forced me to start blind dating.’
>Social expectations. In our society, there is a social expectation that men and women should get married when they are old enough. In addition, words such as ‘the unmarried elderly’ and ‘leftover women’ also stimulate the nerves of unmarried people.
>Filial piety culture. When talking about marriage is already considered a major life event involving the continuation of the family, being unmarried puts pressure on the unmarried to be ‘unfilial’. One of the interviewees said, ‘My father thinks it is very important to be filial as a child, and one of the ways to achieve filial piety is to get married and have children.’
►Sources of stress faced by parents of unmarried people
>Death anxiety. One interviewee puts it this way, ‘My father had a fear of death after he had a heart attack one year, especially after my mother was diagnosed with diabetes. They often lost sleep worrying that I wouldn't be able to get married.’
>Face. ‘Face’ is an unavoidable word in both Chinese cultural and social psychology, and unmarried people will cause their parents to “lose face”. One interviewee said, ‘My mother had an emotional breakdown after attending someone else's wedding and started forcing me to get married, saying that if I didn't get married, she wouldn't be able to hold her head up in front of others.’ The issue of face also made the interviewee feel an unspeakable sense of shame.
>Responsibility. Several interviewees unanimously mentioned that ‘under the influence of traditional Chinese culture, parents feel that getting married and having children at a certain age is the right thing to do, and that it is not only the responsibility of the individual, but also the responsibility of the whole family and society.’
II. The Inner Pain of Unmarried People
>Self-doubt. Facing the problem of being unmarried, the unmarried people are also stressed and anxious inside. On the other hand, they are torn between the question that why will I feel like this? Shouldn't I be able to organise my life independently as a modern woman? They constantly doubt themselves.
>Whether they are filial. Some unmarried people hate the term ‘filial piety’ partly, but deep in their hearts, they want to be a ‘filial’ child. But this is also contradictory to the pursuit of a free life in which they are responsible for their own.
>Anxiety about death. Many people are afraid of being alone, and unmarried people also have the fear and anxiety of dying alone. In addition, unmarried people are also afraid of missing the best time to have children. Although loads of people do not have a desire for marriage, many of them still have a desire for having children, perhaps because children also symbolise the continuation of life in the world.
>Unrecognised. Not recognised by society, friends and colleagues (especially married ones), parents, and even sometimes themselves. This unrecognition also torments the unmarried at all times.
>Sense of guilt. One interviewee, who had never thought of getting married before, regretted not being able to let her grandfather see her wedding before his death, which made him feel very guilty for not fulfilling her grandfather's only wish before death.
>Sense of shame. The shame of being unmarried is something that many unmarried people are afraid to admit, but it torments the unmarried.
III. Strategies for Coping
>Arguments. Many visitors have had the experience of arguing with their parents over being forced to marry, and the anger mixed with shame is sad and infuriating. In addition, parents may emotionally kidnap their children, such as ‘I worked hard to raise you, and now I just want someone to take care of you’, which is also a kind of soft argument.
>Evasion. Some people's response would be to reduce the chances of meeting with their parents, such as not daring to go home during the Chinese New Year. There was also an interviewee who said this ‘If they ever talk about the topic of marriage again, I will remain silent and refuse to communicate with my parents.’
>Communication. Some interviewees would choose to communicate. One interviewee wrote to her parents, ‘I understand your anxiety, but I am also under great pressure myself. I feel so sad that I have not been able to live up to your expectations, but I have really tried my best. In fact, I just hope we all have good health and live well every day.’ She also received a letter back from her parents, ‘Baby, you've got it all wrong. You exceed our expectations all the time. I understand you very well! You must take care of yourself.’ This would be a better way to cope.
>Obedience. Some interviewees choose to be obedient, such as going on a blind date obediently, or responding to whatever their parents say about getting married by ‘yes, yes, yes’ or 'ok, ok, ok.’ ‘This conformity takes some of the anxiety out of my parents and it also gives them and me something to talk about.’
>Choosing friends. ‘ I don't make friends with those who want to talk to me about marriage and children, but I only deal with like-minded people. By categorising them in this way, I am surrounded by friends who are not people who put pressure on unmarried people to ‘get married’. It's also a way to make life easier for yourself.
>Taking psychotherapy. The pressure that unmarried people face is painfully big and there will be times when they cannot handle it on their own, and this is when seeking psychological help is a very good option.
Lastly, I would like to add one point about how unmarried men cope under the pressure to get married. Although I have only interviewed one man so far, I can deeply feel the great pressure of being a man, which even prevents them from expressing their inner pain.
